36

BURNING BLUE.
BY BELLA ROYALTY.
36.

[SHAKA PRIME ZWANE]
I looked at her one more time and then sighed, I decided to go outside for a while to cool off and have a smoke, I would go to the car wash and have a few drinks but as much as I'm frustrated at her, I can't leave her alone in this apartment while she's in a wheelchair, I'm not that petty.

After having a smoke, I decided to return back inside the apartment and she was busy on her phone now.
Me: I think we should head to bed now babe.
Peach: Yeah.

I locked the door and set the alarm and wheeled her to our room, we started at the bathroom and then I helped her change into her PJ's and then placed her in bed.
Peach: Shaka.
Me: You must really be angry at me if we are on the first name basis?
Peach: We need to talk.

I sighed.
Me: Peach, I don't want to fight with you anymore.
Peach: I just want to talk to you.
Me: Okay, what's up?
Peach: I am not okay.
Me(Panicking): What? What's wrong baby? Do you need medical attention?
Peach: It's not that, please calm down, I mean, I'm not okay emotionally, physically, spiritually.
Me: Oh okay.
Peach: I don't feel like myself, the past couple of days I've been trying to connect with my old self but it's not happening, I feel out of place and out of touch with reality. I've felt like that ever since I woke up in that hospital bed.
Me: I'm glad you've noticed that you've been kind of weird in the past couple of days.
Peach: I am sorry for making your life difficult.
Me: Don't say that sthandwa sami, I never said you've been difficult.
Peach: You don't have to say it, I can see it in your eyes, in your face, you're trying so hard to not lose it because I can tell that I've gotten under your skin.

I kept quiet.
Peach: On top of that I'm in a damn wheelchair and you have to take care of me yet I'm driving you up the wall, it's not fair on you, you have your own shit as well that you're going through but lately I feel like its been all about 'Ntando' which isn't fair on you, it's giving main character energy and that's really not fair on you.

Me: Babe please don't put it like that, it sounds horrible when you say it like that.
Peach: The truth is not meant to be sweet Shaka, it's meant to be bitter and unbearable, and the truth is that ever since I got here, you've had to completely forget about your life, and focus on mine.
Me: That's not true.
Peach: It is true, I haven't been a great girlfriend to you, I haven't been there for you when you needed me because something always comes up when it comes to me and you are the one who has to make the sacrifice to abandon your feelings to nurse mine and that's not fair on you.

She wiped her tears, I am glad she was allowing herself to be vulnerable with me.
Peach: Shaka I want to be the girl that you deserve, I want to be your peace, your happiness, your safe space, I don't want to be your charity case, your burden, your responsibility.
Me: Baby I told you I don't mind—
Peach: It's not okay though Shaka, you deserve better.
Me: Don't even—
Peach: And I want to be better so that I can be the girl that you deserve but I cannot do that here, around you, because you are a reminder of everything that I've been through, this city is a reminder of everything I've been through.

I shook my head, holding her hands on mine.
Me: No, no, don't say that, don't break up with me, Peach please don't do this to me, to us, just tell me what I can do to make you feel better.

Peach: I need to establish some emotional independency, Shaka I depend on you on a lot of things, I stay with you, I eat your food, you're my best friend, you're my brother, you're my father, you're my therapist, my protector, and it's like, what is it that I can do independently for myself without needing you? I love that you're a provider, I love that acts of services are part of your love language, I love that you enjoy giving, but I want to be able to do something on my own, I want to win a war without your help, please allow me to walk on this next journey to finding myself alone.

She wiped a tear that had escaped my eye.
Peach: Shaka, I am not okay and it's not fair on you because I keep bleeding on you. I need to help myself, bandage myself, let the wound heal so that I can come back stronger to you and be the girl that you deserve.

Me(emotional): You want to leave me?
Peach: For a while, maybe 6 months tops, I am no good for you right now, I am a mess, I need to fix myself.
Me: But can't you do this right here? With me by your side?
Peach: This is something that I have to do on my own, surrounded by family.
Me: You're going to Joburg?
Peach: Yes, mom has been discharged and I've spoken to her and she wants to take care of me, Dad will be fetching me tomorrow. He's driving since I am in this situation and I need absolute comfort.
Me: What am I supposed to do with myself without you here Peach?

Peach: That's exactly what I mean, you've made me the center of your attention, there's a lot you can do Shaka, there was before me, during me and after me in your life, I wasn't always part of your life, do what you used to do before me, I mean you have a daughter now, you have a new family, you're about to graduate as well, start work, there's a lot you can do.

Me: I was meant to be doing all of that with you by my side.
Peach: I'm sorry.
Me: I can't believe this is happening, I could sense it, our connection breaking, I could feel you slipping away from my fingers, I could sense that you were about to leave me.
Peach: But I'm not leaving you, I'm going to find myself so that I can be better for you, for me, for us, you deserve a healthy version of me and not a broken version of me Shaka, please understand.

I didn't understand at all and this was making me so emotional. It felt like goodbye. What if she gets there and she's under no supervision and she kills herself?

What if she gets there and forgets about me and what we have? I cannot live without her.

Peach: Baby, I'm going to come back for you, I promise, I love you Shaka and that's why I'm doing this, that's why I am asking for some time so that I can come back stronger, baby this is not goodbye, I will not get there forget about you, I will not get there and decide to end my life, I know how my departure would affect you, I saw how terrified you were when you thought I was going to die in that car, I will never do that to you Shaka, but if I continue staying here, that's what will happen, I will get depressed and suicidal and I don't want that.

She caressed my cheek, looking into my soul.
Peach: When Ty held me hostage like that, when he kept hurting me, pressing that gun on my wound, shoving It inside my mouth, slapping me and kicking me, Shaka I wanted to die, I believed that, that was the only way I could ever find peace, that's if I died, I begged him to kill me, to end my suffering, but then you risked your life to save me, to keep me alive and I was tired of always crying, complaining about my messed up life, pouring my tears on you, that's why I could not bring myself to feel, to cry or get emotional, I was tired of arguing, so I accepted everything that you told me, but earlier I just couldn't hold myself…

She sniffled.
Peach: I know that I have no right to be angry about the things that you did in your past, things that you did when you didn't even know about me, but it's hurts Shaka, it hurts and maybe I'm crazy and delusional for being jealous of the way you loved that girl to a point where you trapped her with a child, because you wanted to keep her in your life, I know that makes me sound weird and maybe a little psychotic and that's not the kind of person I want to be, there was a time where I thought Leano was my everything as well and that was before I met you, I wouldn't expect you to throw a fit over that, something that happened before we met but if I don't work on myself, I'll become a very bitter person, I will get paranoid and start seeing things that aren't there about the two of you, I will ruin what we have and you'll get tired of me and that's why I need to work on myself.

I nodded.
Peach: Especially because I know how you feel about me, I know that even though there was a time where you thought you loved this girl, I'm the one you love now, but I will not trust that while I'm like this.
Me: I understand sthandwa sami.
Peach: I want to be better for myself, for you and for us, I don't want you to have to abandon your own blood because I don't know what I want and I don't trust you, I trust you, I trust that you won't fall for her again because what we have together is that strong.
Me(smiles faintly): I understand you Peach, I do now.
Peach: She will try some shit on you Shaka, you will be tested, she will try to use what you used to feel for her against you, she will try to use my absentia for her own selfish reasons, just promise me that you won't fall for it.
Me: You have my word.

Peach: Just remember that she never loved you, she never wanted you, and that will never change, she never gave you a chance before, she can't claim to love you now when she sees that you've cleaned up your act, when you love someone, you take a leap of faith and gamble, like I did with you, I knew what you were, but because I loved you I knew you'd change for me if you really loved me and you did, you changed for me even way before you admitted your feelings for me, don't fall for it, there will never be another girl that will love you as much as I do, Shaka deep down you know that as well.

Me: I know baby, I promise, nothing or no one will ever get in between us, whether you're here or not.
Peach: Thank you.
Me: Are you sure you can't get your father to fetch you on Monday atleast? I need to say goodbye to you properly.
Peach(smiles): And what way is that?

I laughed and so did she.
Me: Please.
Peach: I'm sorry.
Me(sighs): I understand, will I be able to call you?
Peach: Yes, we will call each other, just don't rock up in Joburg to see me, this is important for me.
Me: I won't, I promise, God I'm going to miss you so much!
Peach: I'm going to miss you too sthandwa sami.
Me: Come back to me, Peach otherwise I will come to Joburg and drag you back here myself.

She laughed.
Me: I'm not joking.
Peach(smiles): I promise, I'll be back.
Me: I love you so much.
Peach: I love you more Manqoba and I'm sorry for being a pain in the ass earlier.
Me(smiles); Water under the bridge, come here.

I kissed her lips and she deepened it, kissing me like she wanted more and that was driving me crazy, I pulled out after a while.
Me: I've warned you about these kisses of yours.
Peach(smiles): You have.
Me: So why are you doing this to me?
Peach: Because I want you to make love to me right now.
Me: Peach…
Peach: I know that you'll be gentle.
Me: Are you sure?
Peach: I want this baby, I won't be seeing you for months.
Me: If you start feeling pain, please tell me okay?
Peach: Okay.

I got on my knees and pulled her PJ pant off her as well as her underwear, I helped her with the top and kissed her passionately as she ran her hands all over my chest, I was careful not to lay all my weight on her, I trailed the kiss to her neck while grabbing her twins, massaging then and she let out a soft moan, I sucked on them while my hand went in between her thighs, she was soaking wet.

Peach(moans): Baby, please dont—
Me: You're not about to deprive me of eating my cake baby, you'll have to be patient.
Peach: But—
Me: No.

I kissed her all the way down to her cookie, I kissed both her thighs before I buried my face in between her thighs.
Peach(moans): Ooh God!

I felt her hand at the back of my head as I bit her lips and folds causing her to squirm in pleasure, arching her back a little, I took my sweet time having my cake.

She finally fell apart and I got on my feet and took off my clothes and got on top of her while teasing her with kisses.
Me(whispering): Open up for me, a little baby.

She opened up for me and I made sure to be careful not to hurt her, I went in, we both breathed heavily as soon as I pushed all the way in.

Me(grunting): Ooh Peach!

I closed my eyes, biting my lower lip as I allowed pleasure to consume me, her hands were on my back, caressing me as I began to slowly move, the room was filled with her soft moans as I made love to her, pouring my all into her.

Me: I love you so much Ntando, yezwa sthandwa sami?(do you hear me, my love?)

She couldn't even say anything back, pleasure got her bad.
Me(chuckles): Baby?
Peach(moans): Mmh.
Me: I said I love you.
Peach(cries out): I love you more baby, I love you so much, Ooh my God!

She was close, she dug her nails deep on my back as I watched her fall apart.
Peach(breathless): I love you.
Me(smiles): You're so fucken' sexy right now.
Peach: Oh yeah?
Me(groans): Mmh-mmh.

I moved my hips back and forth and sideways and held on to the good thigh, gripping it hard as I shot my load deep inside her, and kissed her lips, as I continued making love to her with our hands intertwined.

[SNETHEMBA NGWAZI]
My boyfriend texted me, telling me that he has arrived.

Me: Mom, I'll be back in a second, can you please watch over Snakho for me.
Mom: Snethemba, it's 7pm, where could you possibly be going?
Me: Zolani is outside.
Mom: Doesn't this Zolani know that you have a 4 month old child and you can't be gallivanting and frolicking outside ebusuku(at night).
Me: We will be in his car, Mama it's not like I'm going to his place.
Mom: You better not go to his place, need I remind you that you're still breastfeeding and you can't be intimate with anyone.
Me: I thought you said 6 weeks.
Mom: Is Zolani the father of this child? Do you see how fit my granddaughter is? Do you see how lovable she is? The minute you start sleeping with someone who isn't her blood, she will be weak, and as light as a feather.
Me: But mom, that's old school stuff.

I said walking out, mom and dad with their old school stuff, I was not allowed to sleep with Zolani while pregnant, because apparently he wasn't the father of my child, the nurses said I could resume sex after 6 weeks, my grandmother said 3 months and now mom is saying 6 months? I cannot keep up with these old school traditional beliefs.

Zolani: Hey baby.
Me: Hey, uSharp? (You good?)
Him: I'm good, can we go to my house a little?
Me: Uhm…
Him: We will be quick.
Me: Okay.

He drove off.
Him: So I heard from your brother that you went to the father of your child.
Me: Sabelo and his big mouth.
Him: I wont lie I was a bit disappointed that I had to hear from him and not you..
Me: I was going to tell you babe, when we met.
Him: Okay so how did it go?
Me: It went well, he accepted the child and said he will speak to his family after the funeral of his father.
Him: He's willing to do right by the baby?
Me: Yeah.
Him: That's good, so he will be part of Snakho's life?
Me: Yes and so will his family.
Him: So have you set boundaries?
Me: Boundaries?
Him: Sneh, he's your ex, y'all share a child, you have a boyfriend there has to be boundaries, he needs to know that ningahlanganiswe ingane kuphela(you share a child and that's it) and you're in a relationship which he should respect.
Me: We haven't talked about all of that Zolani, that shouldn't be a problem though because he's also moved on.
Him: As if that has ever stopped these baby daddies before, I should meet him, so that we can talk man to man.
Me: Is that necessary though Zolani?
Him: Trust me it is, angfuni ukujwayelwa kabi(I don't want to be disrespected).

I sighed as we drove into his place, we got out of the car and went inside the house, as soon as we got in, he pinned me against the door and kissed the daylights out of me, I became weak same time, I haven't had sex since Shaka and that was over a year ago, like I mentioned, as much as I dreaded this because I know Zolani Isn't pierced, my parents made it clear as well that I was not supposed to be sleeping around while pregnant.

Me(panting): Baby.
Zolani: Please don't do this to me Sneh, I've been patient, you said 3 months, she's 4 now.
Me: I know, I just wanted to know if you had protection?
Zolani(chuckles): Of course I do baby.

He picked me up and we continued kissing as we walked to the bed, everything was happening so fast, I guess we both needed this, in a matter of minutes, our clothes were flying across the room, he broke the kiss and walked to the drawer and came back with condoms and tore it up, at least he had the machine, I hope he can use it.

He wrapped the condom on him and got on top of me and inserted himself.

_______

Zolani: When will I see you again?
Me: I don't know, we will talk though.
Zolani: We need to spend time together, maybe a sleepover.
Me: Yeah, of course.
Zolani: I love you.
Me: I love you too baby.
Zolani: I'll call you when I get home.
Me: Okay, drive safe.

We shared a kiss and I got out of the car and went inside the yard and then to the main house, good I was alone, I rushed to my bedroom and rushed to the shower, I stripped naked and got inside the shower.

After I was done I changed into my PJ's and went to find mom.
Mom: How long have you been back?
Me: A while. I decided to use my free time to take a bath.
Mom: Okay, Snakho is with your father, she's probably sleeping now.
Me: Let me go and check them.

I went to find dad, he was watching the news with a sleeping Snakho on his chest, sleeping, I smiled.
Me: Hey grandpa.
Dad: Snethemba.
Me: I see you're bonding here.

He laughed a little.
Me: I can take her to bed?
Dad: Okay, goodnight Snakho kaMkhulu.(grandpa's baby)
Me: Ithi(say) goodnight Mkhulu.(grandad)

I took her and she fell right back to sleep in my arms as I went to room with her. I carefully placed her in bed and checked my phone. I had a message from Shaka.

"Please send me Snakho's pictures from birth."

I sent him the pictures, he had updated his status on WhatsApp, I opened his statuses and it was pictures of his girlfriend sleeping.

'I have never loved anyone the way that I love you, loving you is just so easy, you get me in a way that nobody else does, you were made for me Peach, I thank God everyday for bringing you in my life, I didn't even know that my life was incomplete till you came around.'

Damn, Shaka is really in love!

There was another one, and she was kissing his cheek, he had the biggest smile I've ever seen.

'To everyone I've ever said I loved before, please forgive me, I was lying, I was just young and I didn't know what love was, but now? Now I know exactly what love is and it's because of this gorgeous fine shit next to me, I'd do anything for her, I love you so much Peach.'

Pain went straight to my heart, so I decided to call Anele.
Lusanele: Hey babes.
Me: Hey
Lusanele: And then?
Me: I'm coming from Zolani's place and we had sex.
Lusanele: Yoh! And? I can't believe you finally did it.
Me: The most boring sex I've ever had, we just kissed for the longest time and went straight to it.

She laughed.
Lusanele: What's wrong with that? Didn't you say Prime never went down on you?
Me: He never did, he always said he did that to people who loved him back and since we weren't together he didn't, but I mean the foreplay, the buildup to the actual deed? Besides he always made up for it during the deed, you'd think someone like Zolani would at last attempt to initiate foreplay but no.
Lusanele: I don't think it was that bad, you were just hoping it'll be 'Prime' kind of hot.
Me: Maybe.
Lusanele: Give the guy some slack, I'm sure the second time will be great.
Me: Yeah I'm looking at Prime's statuses here with his girl.
Lusanele: Oh so they do post, each other.
Me; On WhatsApp, the Prime that is in love is so different, I can't believe I deprived myself of that.
Lusanele: I've been telling you.
Me: I want him, Lusanele, he seems like he's grown now, no longer a player, we can make this work now.
Lusanele: It's about time!
Me: Snakho deserves to have both her parents in her life, loving each other and happy.
Lusanele: I'm glad you've come to your senses, we need to get rid of the beautiful barbie, that's your man my friend, he was yours first!

I smiled and dropped the call, I went back to the statuses, there was another picture of him, laying his head on her boobs, his one hand grabbing her firm, perky boob.

I looked at mine and sighed, this girl is just perfect, how does one compete with that?