CH04

BURNING BLUE.
BY BELLA ROYALTY.
04.

[SHAKA 'PRIME' ZWANE]
I would be lying if I said I was able to get any sleep last night especially after what Ntando told me, I mean how could I? My cousin has been through the worst in the hands of some douchebag who felt entitled to her body, what kind of man does that? Especially someone who has a sister? Doesn't he know there's an avenger called Karma?

Well in this case, I am that avenger and my name is Prime and not Karma, Karma would lock him up in a dark room and have another man violate him from behind, break his butthole virginity as he begs the man, that's what Karma would do.

What would Prime do? No, scratch that, what is Prime going to do? Prime is going to make Leano watch helplessly as his own sister is being violated, and before you come at me with that holy act nonsense of 'but she's innocent in all of this' Please remember that my cousin as well was innocent in all of this but guess what? Some sick entitled psycho decided to ruin her, now she will never see men the same way again, it'll take time for her to trust a guy again, she will chase good guys away because she won't be sure who's genuine or not.

And let's say, therapy works, she heals, she understands that not every guy is like Leano, what if she decides to give it up easily to avoid being accused of being selfish? What if she becomes loose?

I had to meet up with the gang today, this weekend we have to fly to Joburg and get this over and done with before school starts.

But before that I had to start at school and get her books, timetable and student card.

When I got downstairs, everyone had already left, my sisters were at school, my parents were at work, only Mam' Zanele and Ntando were around, by the looks of things Ntando was probably still in bed.

I went to knock in her room, I wanted to ask if she had a session today so that I would take her there because I don't think she must take any cabs from now, I have to start teaching her how to drive soon so that she can drive herself to and from school on the days I won't be available.

There was no response and I started panicking for whatever reason, I pushed the door only to be welcomed by a sweet melody by the balcony, I slowly walked there and she had her Airpods on, phone in hand while staring at the beautiful view of the city.

Ntando(singing): Father
I come to you
And I come to you so unclean
Hmm
Saviour
I'm down on my knees and my heart is open. Can you hear me?
Make my way brighter
That when my enemies come for me
I'd would blind them
Make me a fighter
Sharpen me, sharpen me so I'd become a little more tougher
I heard the calling
Forgive me if I took too long to answer
Hmm
I will stand by the word
No doubt, No weapon should ever, ever make me shake.

She looked down for a while. I don't know man but something in me moved. I don't know whether it's the choice of words or her voice, but I felt so touched and emotional.

I got closer to her and placed my hand on her back and her whole body tensed up.
Me: Hey it's me, it's okay.

She took out her airpods and wiped her tears.
Ntando: Mzala, hey I didn't hear you get in.
Me: I knocked and there wasn't a response, I don't know, I panicked.
Ntando: I'm not suicidal Shaka.
Me: That's Good to hear because I don't know what I'd do if something like that happened.

She looked down.
Me: Was that a prayer?
Ntando: Yeah, by some girl I discovered on TikTok last year, I resonated with some of her songs.
Me: She sounds talented, what's her name?
Ntando: Ornathy, this one is called Ornathy's prayer.
Me: Let me save it, I'd like to listen to it again, any other recommendation?
Ntando: There's another one called 'I seek you'
Me: Can you sing it to me?

She smiled, she has a beautiful voice, we have that in common, but I hardly embrace that other side. I'm a gangster so I listen to rap and hip-hop, I'm just kidding, I'm not a gangster, I'm an avenger…LOL.

She played the song.
Ntando(singing):Oh Precious Lord
The enemy has started again
He's making me weak and Hopeless
Targeting everything I love
He's cursing on everything I've built
Opening my wounds with no repair
He's making me bleed and frustrated
Darkening everything I touch
So I seek you (yeah)
Father, I need you
These days it's hard to get down on my knees and just talk to you
Though the weight on my shoulders,the stabs on my back make me run to you
I believe, I believe you'll fix it all
I Seek You, Father
I need you yeah
Oh Precious Lord.

I shook my head.
Me: You sound angelic.
Ntando(smiles): Thank you.
Me: I think you've just made me a fan of this girl's music and I'm not even religious but I'd bop to her music.

She laughed and I just smiled, I should have recorded her.
Me: How did you sleep?
Ntando: I hardly slept as usual, I'm trying to fight the urge to rely on sleeping pills, I just want to get back to my normal routine.

I nodded.
Me: You shouldn't torture yourself, healing takes time.
Ntando(sighs): I know, Shaka…
Me: Yeah?
Ntando: Did you mean what you said yesterday?
Me: I said a lot of things yesterday Ntandokazi.
Ntando: About killiʼng Leano?
Me: Yes.

She looked at me with the most angelic look I've ever seen, that look must get boys weak on their knees, luckily I'm a man.

Ntando: You don't look like you unalive people though.
Me(smiles): Because of my good looks?

She laughed.
Me: Someone once told me looks can be deceiving.
Ntando: Oh wow!

We laughed.
Me: I guess having these looks work in my favour then because I'd never be the prime suspect in a murder case who'd believe a handsome face like this, does that?

She laughed, I just wanted to make her laugh, that's all actually.
Ntando: So?
Me: I won't answer that, I don't want you to worry yourself about that, to you, I'm your big brother, your protector, someone who'd do anything for you and his little sisters even if it means unaliving some people.

She exhaled.
Me: One day I'll tell you what I do, but I'm not a gangster or whatever, I like to call myself an avenger.
Ntando: The strongest or smartest one?
Me(laughs): I'm probably the Iron Man of the group.
Ntando: Which means you're not the one in charge? There's a Captain America somewhere?
Me(laughs): Because Captain America was the leader of the Avengers right?

We laughed.
Me: We both know Iron Man was.
Ntando(giggles): You're confusing these multiverses, just say you're Batman.
Me: Oh no! Imagine! Batman doesn't have the charisma, charm and rizz, besides isn't Superman the leader of the Justice League or something?

She laughed, I've never met a girl who knows anything about comics, so this was really refreshing and exciting for me.
Me(smiles): I'm Iron Man, he has the looks, charm and charisma.
Ntando: I see it actually, don't forget the confidence and arrogance.
Me: That's definitely me.

She smiled.
Ntando: Iron man, I don't want Leano killed, I can't expect that of you, that guy has already taken everything from me, he can't take away my conscience as well because if he's dead and I know what happened to him, it'll eat me up.

I nodded.
Ntando: Just…hurt him, make sure he doesn't do this to another innocent girl.
Me: You mean chop it off?
Ntando: Maybe.

I nodded.
Me: Your wish is my command.
Ntando: Thank you.

She gave me a tight hug, how does she smell so good so early in the morning?
Ntando: This feels nice.
Me: Is it?
Ntando: Yes, having a big brother, thank you.

I nodded as we broke the hug.
Me: We will get through this, together, I promise.
Ntando: I believe you.

I kissed her forehead.
Me: What time is your session today?
Ntando: 12.
Me: I should be back, I'll take you there and maybe we can meet my friends afterwards, get some fresh air.
Ntando: I'd like that.
Me: Okay cool.

I walked away.

________

After getting Ntando's stuff at school, the gents and I met at my apartment. We are all doing our final year in Information Technology this year.

There's 4 of us, if we weren't players, we'd be known as the nerds or geeks, because we have all the qualities, we are obsessed with Technology, space, comics etc.

However we aren't the types that are shy, that wear spectacles, get bullied, we are actually very outspoken, troublesome and handsome.

Call ourselves Cybertron, because we are hackers, we are actually under a government agency, well not by choice obviously, it was either we join them or spend years in jail.

You see what happened is that, 2 years ago, we were the Robin Hoods, hacking into government official's financial accounts, stealing their money and giving it to the poor, in just 2 years we had already stolen over 1.1 billion in rands, that was until one day, some people in black showed up at our doorstep, they called themselves House Of Pain Agents, a secret government agency.

They told us they found us through an AI generated pair of glasses named AX02p, so they offered us a deal. We either joined them or pay the 1.1 billion or spend the rest of our lives in jail, so we joined them. What they were doing sounded exciting.

So basically we are the guys behind the guys, when they need information about certain criminals, we gather that information for them, when they are out on missions we guide them, we are their eyes and ears behind those computers.

It's exciting stuff and the pay is good plus we got training as agents, as much as we are expected to sit behind those computers, we have to know how to defend ourselves, so defence skills were mandatory as well as weapons handling, hence why we have guns.

We were taught how to extract information and how to bury the evidence…so nope, I'm not a gangster, I'm an…avenger but you can call me Agent Prime.

Prime as in the leader of the Autobots, the greatest warrior in Cybertron, okay you get the idea, I'm a nerd…but a cool one, Iron Man kind of cool.

Lungelo: Are we needed at the Base?
Me: No, this one is personal.
Tumelo: What's up?
Me: I've just found out that my cousin was violated in Joburg, by her own boyfriend.
Sean: I don't understand.
Me: He drugged her and forced himself on her.

They looked at me shocked.
Tumelo: This is me being dumb, why would you violate your own girlfriend?
Me: Ntando was a virgin and they'd been together for about 10 months and all of a sudden she was relocating to Durban, he felt some type of way.
Sean: Man that's fucked up.
Me: I know.
Lungelo: She wasn't ready.
Me: No, which is her right, it's her body after all.

They nodded.
Tumelo: When are we going to Joburg?
Me: I was thinking this weekend, a quick in and out.

He got busy on his tablet.
Sean: Does he have a sister?
Me: Yes, she's Ntando's friend.
Sean: Oops.

I chuckled because I already knew what he was thinking about and it's the same thing I was thinking about.
Tumelo: There are available flights tonight, 9pm
Me: Book them.

[NTANDOKAZI NGEMA]
So I talked to Dr. Karen about my weird feelings towards Shaka and she said it's normal for me to feel the way that I do when it comes to him and it's actually a recognized psychological response.

When someone has been assaulted, their sense of safety, trust, and emotional grounding is shaken. The trauma can make them more vulnerable to attaching deeply to the first person who shows them genuine kindness, protection, or compassion.

This attachment isn't always "love" in the romantic sense, it can be a mix of:
-Gratitude for finally feeling safe after a traumatic event.
-Relief at having someone believe in them, care for them, or simply treat them gently.
-Confusion because trauma often blurs emotional signals, making it difficult to tell the difference between safety, affection, attraction, and love.
-A trauma-related bond where the person clings to the source of comfort as a way to regain a sense of security.

She said In psychology, this is sometimes linked to trauma bonding or transference. The brain can misinterpret the soothing presence of another person as romantic love, when in reality it's more about a deep need for safety, connection, and healing.

This doesn't mean the feelings I have for Shaka are fake, they're very real for me since I am the one who is experiencing them but they might not come from the same place as a healthy, stable love. Over time, with healing and reflection, I will be able to sort out whether what I am feeling is true romantic love, or simply an intense emotional dependency born out of trauma.

Leano really did a number on me, he's got me doubting my own feelings now, I want to believe that there's nothing to these feelings I suddenly feel towards my cousin, that I'm confused because of what I've been through and how he's been caring for me, but at the same time these feelings are just growing intense each and every moment we spend together.

The more I get to spend time with him, listen to him talk, laugh, smile, I don't know what it's like… I think I might have a crush on him.

Which is so weird because he's my blood, my cousin…no, my brother, I shouldn't even be looking at him like that, he needs to be on time out, him and I need to be apart for a while because one of these days I will embarrass myself and that will make things awkward.

This is the time I wish I was in contact with my friends, I would be able to talk about this with them because I'm going crazy here.

As expected, after my session with Dr. Karen I found him leaning by his car, smoking.
Shaka(smiles): Hey.
Me: Hi.
Shaka: Let me finish up here and then we will bounce.

I nodded and got inside the car. I'm trying to hold myself here and control my thoughts, so I won't comment about the way he's dressed and how he looks.

He finally got inside the car and started it.
Shaka: How was your session?
Me: It was…enlightening, very informative.
Shaka(nods): That's good, I've been meaning to ask, did he…use protection?

I swallowed.
Me: Uhm, no.
Shaka: And you weren't in any form of prevention? Okay that's dumb, of course you weren't, you were a virgin, we have to see a doctor.
Me: Shaka I'm scared, it's been 8 days, what if—
Shaka: Then we will deal with it okay? In fact we are headed to the doctor right now.

I bit my lip as we changed routes, he reached for my hand.
Shaka: You're not alone okay? I'm right here with you, we will get through this together.

He kissed the back of it, you see? How is a girl not supposed to be confused? Whoever his girlfriend is, is a lucky girl, Shaka is a walking green flag.

Me: Shaka, do you have a girlfriend?

Oh my mouth! That was supposed to remain in my head, he chuckled.
Shaka: No, I just have people I spend time with.
Me: You are a player?
Shaka: Something of that sort, I don't do commitments, I get bored easily, I'm terrible at communication, I disappear for days, I hate phone calls, I don't want my pictures taken, I don't like hugs, cuddles, holding hands…I make a terrible boyfriend.

Excuse me? He's been hugging me, touching my cheek, he just kissed my hand a few seconds ago.

Shaka: You're my sister, it doesn't count.

I swallowed, he must have seen the confusion on my face. That's why he had to clarify and remind me that I'm his sister, great!

Me: I could have sworn you were a walking green flag.
Shaka: You're my sister, you get to experience a different version of me than people who end up underneath me.

Mmh.
Me: Ideally speaking, what's your type?
Shaka: You want to hook me up with one of your Joburg friends?
Me(laughs): Maybe.
Shaka: What do you think is my type?
Me: I don't know hawu.
Shaka: Just guess.

I laughed and shook my head.
Shaka: Honestly I'm yet to figure out what's my type, but number one, I like a girl that takes care of themselves, a girl who's always looking proper, you know hair done, outfit on fleek, smells good, has those skin routines, probably a clingy girlfriend but also an understanding girlfriend, someone who's emotional maybe, because I consider myself a Demiromantic, which is a person that doesn't fall in love or feel romantic attraction unless there's a deep emotional connection first.

Mmh, wow, he is really a nerd, such big words, Demi--- what?
Me: I see.
Shaka: And you? What's your type?
Me: I don't know honestly, I just be having random crushes on weird people, it could be a guy with tattoos and it could be a nerd or a church boy.

He laughed.
Shaka: Leano was your first boyfriend?
Me: I had one in grade 10, we lasted for 2 weeks, it was right after we had our first kiss, something about that kiss didn't feel right.
Shaka(laughs): Why?
Me: There was a lot of saliva involved, come to think of it, I didn't like the way Leano kissed me as well, it always felt rushed, at some point he'd graze my lips with his teeth, I don't think teeth are meant to be involved in kissing.

He was dead with laughter.
Me: Probably why I was so reluctant in sleeping with him, if it wasn't the kiss it was the fingers, my next boyfriend will have his work cut out for them.
Shaka: You're not having a boyfriend until you're done with school, Ntando.

I laughed while shaking my head.
Shaka: Since you don't know your type, what kind of girlfriend are you in a relationship?

Me: First of all I want princess treatment, Leano used to say I'm materialistic, but I appreciate gifts, it means someone is thinking of me, like 'Hey I was in town and I saw this bracelet and I thought of you, oh hey I was driving past the florist and these flowers reminded me of you, or I was doing groceries and I bought these snacks for you, or I saw this dress and I thought it would look good on you' you know?

He nodded.
Me: I like calls especially if you have a nice voice, I like random flirty texts, I like cuddles, hugs, I like a guy who's not afraid of PDA, if I genuinely like you, I'll show you off because I want every guy to know that I'm taken so they should approach me at their own risk, I like someone who has a bit of hood in him, if I come to you and tell you that Sandile was harassing me, go out there and defend my honor, be territorial…

Shaka: Yeses!

We laughed.
Me: I'm joking, I just described a fictional character.

He laughed.
Me: I don't really know what I'm like as a girlfriend because I don't think I've ever gotten a chance to be allowed to be myself in a relationship, I had a crush on Leano before he asked me out, I suspect he was pushed by his sister to ask me out. So he made it clear what kind of guy he was and it was the total opposite of what I wanted but because I liked him, I pretended just to be with him.

He nodded as we pulled over at the doctors office, he turned and looked at me.
Shaka: Whatever we find out in there, just remember you're not alone, I will support whatever decision you take.
Me: Thank you.

He nodded and then we got out of the car, he held my hand as we walked inside the premises, there was only one chair available so he offered to stand while I sat down, his phone rang and he stepped away a little.

Girl(smiles): Is he the father?
Me(confused): Mmh?
Girl: I'm sorry I just assumed since this is a Gynecologist and you're here with him I thought you're here to confirm whether you're pregnant or not and he's your baby daddy.

Oh.
Me: Uhm, no, he's not, he's actually my…cousin.
Girl: Seriously? I thought you guys were together, you look so cute together, I'm so sorry.
Me: It's okay, he's just a supportive cousin.

She nodded.