CH08

BURNING BLUE
BY BELLA ROYALTY.
08.

[SHAKA 'PRIME' ZWANE]
You should have seen the look of annoyance on Ntando's face when she walked out and found me waiting for her, I'm starting to believe that I was seeing things, she doesn't have a crush on me, because right now, all I see is a girl that hates my guts.

That would be a fast turnaround, from having a crush on me to hating me? Or is it a defence mechanism?

Me: You can at least pretend to not be disgusted by me.
Ntando: And boost your ego that's already the size of Mars?
Me: Ntando, I hate this.
Ntando: You should have thought about it before you accused me of wanting you.
Me: Ngiyaxolisa.
Ntando: No, you're only saying that so that you can get back to my good books and try to convince me not to abort this thing I'm carrying and that will not work. Go preach about pro life to the mother of your child that is carrying your child willingly.

I swallowed.
Me: Ntando, you want to kill an innocent child, he or she didn't ask to be conceived this way, they are innocent.

She rolled her eyes.
Me: At least carry it and give it up for adoption or—

Ntando: Carry it? On whose body? The same body that it was forcefully put in? Yazi Shaka if I had been a rowdy teenager who had unprotected sex willingly and I fell pregnant, I would taken responsibility for my actions, I was going to have this child but my right of choice was taken away here, Shaka I wasn't even going to engage in any sexual activities until I was 21 and already close to being done with school, I had plans, goals I had set out for myself and some entitled guy, came and changed that and you want me to accept my reality when I can do something about it?

She looked at me.
Ntando: You want me to bring to this world a physical reminder of what was taken away from me? How am I supposed to move on then Shaka? How am I supposed to be okay? Or do you hate me that much that you don't ever want to see me happy? Healed? You think I miraculously woke up and decided that hey I'm going to be a child killer today, is that what you think? I watched my mother hurt and blame me for my dad leaving her, can you believe that?

I widened my eyes in shock.
Ntando: That wasn't even my fault, and you want me to bring this child in the world where I will remind them every single chance I get that it's father is a rapist, it is the reminder of the pain it's father put me through because that's how angry mothers are born, people convince them, 'oh you'll fall in love with the child as soon as you lay your eyes on it, it is part of you as well', I can tell you now, that won't be the case for me, I would rather live with the guilt that I had an abortion at 19 than mistreat and abuse an innocent child all because of who their father is and what he did to me, so I'm doing this Shaka, whether I have your support or not, whether you tell your parents or not but I am doing this, it is happening and you don't have a say on it, can you take me home now?

I sighed and opened the door for her and she got in and so did I, I started the car.
Me: I understand and respect your decision and I will be there for you.
Ntando: I'd rather you not.
Me: Ntando come on.
Ntando: I think it's best that we really keep our distance, I promise I won't be mean to you but you have to stay away from me.
Me: Look I may have overreacted and—
Ntando: No, you were right, I haven't seen you as my cousin for a while now.

Excuse me? I almost caused an accident, I had to slow down, no actually I pulled to the side of the road and turned my attention to her because I wasn't sure if I heard her correctly.

Me: I dont—

Ntando: I have never had an older sibling before so I don't know how that relationship is and how it works, I mistook what you were doing as something else which can only mean that I'm far from being okay and until I am, it's best we keep our distance from each other because you keep tempting me each and everyday and for the love of God, I've had crushes before but none were this intense to a point where I start imagining ungodly things about them.

My mouth went dry.
Ntando: You're right, I am messed up, so I have to deal with that and I won't be able to,with you close to me, do you know how much it took for me to not give in and kiss you when I had a chance knowing very well that it might be my first and only chance earlier? Shaka I want you, I crave you, I crave you in ways that a cousin shouldn't, I don't want to be the reason why my mother and aunt fight, Aunty Mandisa is a good person, she's accepted me in her home and treated me like her daughter, I don't want to hurt her but Goddamnit Shaka you don't have to be like this nawe! I'm not saying it's your fault, but nje….before I do what Leano did to me to you, please respectfully stay away from me.

I was never ready for this confession and for the first time, I didn't have words to utter, a whole Shaka, speechless?

Me: I… I don't even know what to say.

Ntando: You don't have to say anything, I don't expect you to say anything, I was just… Dr Karen suggested that I come clean about how I feel instead of turning hurt into hostility, I realised that I was being mean to you and accusing you of wanting me instead for no absolute reason other than the fact that I was embarrassed, I need to work on myself and hopefully I will be okay, one day I won't look at you and wish you weren't Aunty Mandisa's son or something.

I kept quiet.
Ntando: I think I've said enough and I don't want it to get more weird than it already is, so… can we pretend this conversation never happened?

I started the car and drove home. As soon as we got home, she was the first to get out and I remained in the car for a while.

Tumelo sent me a text asking for Ntando's number and I stared at the text for a while, unsure if I should send it to him or not after this revelation, Ntando acknowledges that she has a problem and she wants to deal with it, so a distraction is no longer required.

I ignored the text and called Khanya instead.
Khanya: What Prime?
Me: You're right, it's your body and your choice, if you are not ready for a child, it's okay, I'll support whatever decision you take, I don't want you to carry that child and later on resent it just because it's father didn't love you, every child deserves to have both their parents in their lives and the truth is, we won't be together, he or she will not bring us together, so… let me know once it's done and I'll tell my family and we'll have you cleansed.

I dropped the call and texted Tumelo that we should meet, he has to abort the plan.

[TUMELO MORAKE]
Well that was odd, I asked him for his cousin's number and he asked that we meet, which is good as well because there's something we have to discuss when it comes to Ntando.

I don't think I can go ahead with the original plan that we had for Ntando, after I met her today and caught a glimpse of her personality, she deserves something real and I want to give her something real, hopefully Prime doesn't have a problem with it.

I finally arrived at the car wash, the car wash is actually his, but nobody knows not even his family.
Me(smiles): Optimus Prime!
Prime: Tumz, I've ordered something already for you.
Me: Thanks man, I almost swore you were ignoring me earlier.
Prime: Lutho Ntwana yami, I just wanted us to have this conversation face to face.
Me: Okay, what's happening? Is everything okay?
Prime: Yes, everything is fine, Ntando and I had a rather uncomfortable talk and she confessed her feelings for me.

I looked at him shocked.
Me: Word?
Prime: Yeah, I don't think it's a crush or it's real feelings either, I think her soul is yearning for what Leano couldn't give her and I seem gentle enough to be the guy who can give her, her best first time experience.
Me: That's even worse Prime, soul ties are created during that encounter, it'll be that and then she will fall deeper inlove with you.
Prime: I know but she understands that we can't do anything about it, she was just telling me so that I know I wasn't seeing things.
Me: Damn, so now that it's out in the open, how do you feel?

He exhaled.
Prime: Even more weird Tumelo, how do we look at each other after this? She wants to get under my skin, Tumelo, my own cousin, someone I consider a little sister, even if I make myself scarce, this is going to be at the back of my mind.

Me: Please don't tell me you'll consider the forbidden fruit, it could be a good thing and a bad thing, however once that line has been crossed, there's no going back.

Prime: I know, I don't even know why a part of me was even considering giving her, her best first time, I think it also comes with this protective instinct I have for her, that feeling of wanting to be her hero and being there for her.

I nodded.
Prime: Yeah, but I won't do it, she will have to figure it out on her own and I know she will and we will laugh about this one day.

We laughed.
Me: Yeah, so I was also thinking about our plan to have me distract her, I don't think I can do it Prime, I met a different Ntando today and I realised she doesn't deserve to be played, besides the fact that she's already been through a lot, she's actually a good, attractive girl who deserves to experience true love.

He nodded.
Prime: I'm glad to hear that, that's what I wanted to discuss with you as well, let's let her figure things out on her own, make her own mistakes and learn from them.
Me: I meant… I will be approaching her with clear intentions and genuine feelings, I like her.

He choked on his beer.
Prime: Tumelo?
Me: I'm being for real, I really like her, even that bike moment in the morning wasn't even planned, it was just fate.

He cleared his throat.
Prime: I love you man, we've been best friends since High School but that would be breaking the bro code, going after my sister?
Me: Weren't you the same guy that wanted me to distract his sister?
Prime: That wasn't going to be real Tumelo! You weren't even going to get as far as sleeping with her, but now… bro code.

Me: So I was good enough to distract her but not good enough to have something real with her, is that what you're saying? We both know out of us all, I'm not a player, I've actually had genuine relationships, I'm a hopless romantic which is why you've always called me soft, I know I will take care of your sister, because if I don't take good care of her you will bury me like you've either buried or taken away everyone's organs who have hurt her.

He swallowed.
Me: I'm asking for your blessing, allow me to heal and love your cousin genuinely.
Prime: I don't know man.
Me: Unless you want to date her yourself.
Prime: Fuck man Tumelo, why the fuck would you say that?
Me: I mean that's how it's appearing like to me, you blocking me seems like you want her to yourself.
Prime: Tumelo seriously? Seriously? Is that how low you think of me?
Me: Prove me wrong.

He kept quiet and pressed his phone for a while and mine beeped as he stood up.
Prime: You hurt her,you dig your own grave and I bury you alive, understood?
Me(smiles): That's not going to happen.

He walked away and I looked at my phone, he had sent me Ntandos number, I mean it's not like I couldn't get her number using my skills, I just wanted to approach this relationship with genuine intentions, starting by telling her the original plan so that later on when she finds out she doesnt think I have been playing her this whole time.

I called her.
Ntando: Ntando, hello?
Me: Ntando, hey, it's Tumelo, I got your number from your cousin.
Ntando: Oh, okay, how are you?
Me: I'm good and you?
Ntando: I'm going through something but I'll be okay, what's up?
Me: Is it something I can help with?
Ntando: Not really.
Me: Which means even if I were to ask to see you, that wouldn't be possible?
Ntando: Right now?
Me: What I have to tell, can't wait.
Ntando: Oh okay, I'll see you shortly then.
Me: Thank you.

I dropped the call and went to my car and drove off, I started at the mall and got her a few comfort foods, girls like comfort foods when they aren't feeling well.

After I was done, I drove to Prime's home and called her once I had arrived.
Ntando: I'm coming.
Me: Okay.

I was actually nervous now, this could go either way, I could ruin things before they even start but I hate lies myself so I wasn't about to start this relationship based on lies.

She got out of the gate, in her PJ's and gown, I got out of the car.
Ntando(smiles): Hey.
Me(smiles): Hey, kanti what time is it?
Ntando(laughs): Don't judge my outfit Tumelo.

We laughed as we shared a tight hug and I opened the door for her and she got inside the car and so did I.

Me: Since you told me you were currently going through something, I figured I'd get you some comfort food, wasn't sure what you liked specifically so…
Ntando(smiles): Tumelo you didn't have to! Thank you, that was really considerate of you.
Me: It's a pleasure, how are you feeling?
Ntando: I'll be okay, so, what's up?
Me: So uhm…your cousin told me everything.
Ntando: Everything….
Me: Yeah everything, everything, you know Leano and your crush on him.
Ntando(embarrassed); Oh.
Me: You don't have to be embarrassed.
Ntando: It is kind of embarrassing Tumelo, I have a crush on my own cousin, well it's not a crush, I don't know how to explain it.

I nodded.
Ntando: And then the Leano thing, I would have appreciated if he didn't tell you, it's quite personal.

Me: He needed our help to locate Leano so he had to tell us, if we were going to commit a crime, we had a right to know what for, don't worry, no one else who shouldn't know will know, nor will we associate it with you or look at you differently.

She nodded.
Ntando: I've already thanked him, so thank you for what you did for me even though Lerato wasn't supposed to be involved.
Me: I know, we might have taken it too far.
Ntando: You did.
Me: I'm sorry.
Ntando: It's okay we handle these things differently.

I nodded.
Me: So, when Prime suspected that you had feelings for him, he asked me to approach you and distract you.
Ntando: Oh wow!
Me: He didn't mean no harm, I agreed to it, I was meant to approach you after he's introduced you to us, unfortunately that day after the doctors visit you were down and you went home.
Ntando: So….

Me: We met coincidentally this morning, my reaction to you was really genuine and it made me realise that I cannot pretend or distract you like he had asked me to, you're a beautiful, amazing girl who's already been through a lot and adding a fake relationship in the mix was going to hurt you even further so I've just met him and told him, I won't be doing what he asked.

Ntando(sighs): Thank you for your honesty, I guess?
Me: I also asked for his blessings to do things the right way because I like you and I want to get to know you, we can start off slow, at your pace, put me on a trial test, and then eventually we can see where this leads us.
Ntando: Uhm…whoah, that's a complete turn around.
Me(chuckles): I know.
Ntando: You are quiet brave I will tell you that because what you've just done could have ended either way.

Me: I'm someone who hates lies in a relationship, and I figured you deserved to know the truth so that along the way if it ever comes out that the original plan was to distract you, you don't question our entire relationship.

Ntando(smiles): I'm impressed.
Me: Also when you approach a girl, you have to expect two things, acceptance or rejection…

She nodded.
Me: I just want to love you, you deserve that.
Ntando: And you don't care about what happened between Leano and I?
Me: I still think we should have killed him, but we had to respect your wishes, but no, I don't really care and I understand that it's something that you're currently dealing with so I will respect you, I won't push for anything.
Ntando: I see.
Me: There's nothing wrong with you Ntando, what that scumbag did to you wasn't your fault, you're not damaged, you're not disgusting, you're not unlovable, you deserve to be loved genuinely, and I will do that.

She blushed looking down and I held her hand.
Me: I want to walk this journey with you, you don't have to be scared.
Ntando: Uhm…there's something else, I don't know if that blabbermouth I call a cousin told you but… I have just recently confirmed that I am pregnant and I'm not planning on keeping the child, so I don't know how you feel about that, he's pro life so…

I nodded.
Me: No one should expect you to keep this child Ntando, it'll be a constant reminder of what you went through and you might think that you'll love it once it's here because it'll have your blood and part of you as well, but what happens when Leano finds out and wants to be part of the child's life? You'd have to constantly deal with that reminder everyday.

Ntando: That's exactly my fear, I also just don't see myself as a parent right now, I'm only 19, maybe if I had willingly had unprotected sex, I'd take responsibility for my actions, but now… I can't.
Me: I understand, even if you were keeping it, I would have supported you.

She nodded.
Me: So you have booked an appointment?
Ntando: Yes, it's on Thursday, 9am.
Me: Do you have someone who will be there by your side?
Ntando: I've decided to not tell the parents and I'm trying to keep my distance from Shaka, so no, I'll have to do this alone.

I kissed the back of her hand.
Me: Not anymore, I'll take you there myself.
Ntando: Tumelo I can't expect that of you…
Me: I want to.