CH01

BURNING BLUE.
BY BELLA ROYALTY.
01.

[NTANDOKAZI NGEMA]
TWO DAYS AGO:

My friends, former classmates and I all decided to choose a day where we would all just celebrate our matric results, Grade 12 was grueling to say the least especially for our Science stream, we didn't have a Math and Agriculture teacher until the last term so we had to rely on the Internet, YouTube and the library, that brought us all together as a class and glory to God, we all made it, it wasn't easy that's for sure but we made it, hence why we had to celebrate.

We were a class of 20, which isn't surprising. People fear the science stream, they'd rather do Humanities, so during those late night study sessions, we all became a little family.

So here we were, having a great time, reminiscing about our tough year of high school and also talking about our plans now that our results were out.

Lerato: I can't believe our girl group is about to break up, worse Ntando you're going to Durban, you won't even be around Joburg.

I exhaled, I'm not necessarily looking forward to that.
Me: It's just an hour and a couple of minutes flight away Lee, we will keep in touch, I promise, every holiday I'll be here as well.
Kamo: You better not get to Durban and replace us.
Me(laughs): Girl, I could say the same about you! Don't forget about me!
Thato: How's your mother now anyway?
Me: I don't know, they said we are only allowed to contact her after a month, otherwise we will disrupt her healing process.

They nodded.
Thuso: I can't believe your father had a whole secret family out there and none of yall ever suspected, that's probably why he's a good detective, he's good at hiding stuff.

We laughed.
Me: I still can't believe it either, sometimes I want to go all feminist on my mother for not choosing herself, fighting and getting back her life but then I realise that she gave that man 20+ of her life and it was all a lie.

Lerato: I'd lose my sanity as well, and the nerve for him to say, he wants to take a second wife, kante it's his side chick of 20 years, Men will embarrass you!
Kamo: In a way I applaud your mother for refusing to be part of this whole thing even though she later on unraveled but in a way she chose herself, she will be okay, Ntando.
Me: I hope so, mom is still young, beautiful, smart, she can still find love again and possibly get married again, dad will regret not choosing her, my mother is a wonderful woman, dad really fumbled there.
Thuso: And another man's trash is another man's treasure.
Me: I will drink to that!

We made a toast and then my boyfriend and his friends walked in, Leano is actually Lerato's brother and we've been together for about 10 months, I didn't even think he'd be here, we had a massive fallout a few days ago, he just didn't understand why I was going to study in Durban when there are plenty Universities and Colleges here in Joburg as well, but it wasn't my decision, to move to Durban that is.

Leano(smiles): Gang!
Everyone: Leano!

I looked down at my drink and ignored him, but of course he just had to sit next to me.
Leano: Babe.
Me: Leano.
Leano: Baby please don't be like this, we are celebrating tonight aren't we?
Me: Who even invited you? You weren't doing grade 12 last year were you?

He exhaled.
Leano: Let me fill up your drink so that we can talk, I also need a drink.

He kissed my cheek and got up.
Kamo: You guys are still fighting?
Me: Is it that obvious?
Kamo: Well usually you're all loved up and taking videos and pictures for the gram and tiktok, serving couple goals.
Me: I don't see us surviving the long distance if I'm being honest.

His friends Karabo, Mpho and Dan looked at me.
Lerato: I told him the same thing.
Me: He won't listen, he thinks I want to give the cake to Durban boys who speak English.

We laughed.
Me: And I'm not even there.

Leano came back and handed me my drink and sat down next to me.
Leano: I'm sorry about the other day, this is really hard for me as well Ntando you have to understand, but after speaking to your friend, she made me see reason.
Me: Do you really think we will be able to survive the long distance? With your jealousy and temper Leano?
Leano: That's because I love you Ntando, that's why I get all jealous over you, you don't see yourself, I am from the streets, I hear what people are saying about you, everyone wants a piece of you.
Me: Yet every single time I keep choosing you.
Leano: I'm a douchebag I know that, when are you leaving?
Me: My flight is on Friday.
Leano: So can we spend the next two days together? At my place?
Me: Leano, the last time I was at your place you almost took my virginity. I don't want us to have close calls like that because you get frustrated easily and I've told you that I'm not ready, there's a lot going on.
Leano: And I respect your decision, I won't try anything, I just want to spend the last two days with you before you leave, please.
Me: Okay.
Leano: Drink up and let's hit the dancefloor.

I nodded and had a sip of my drink, he pulled me to the dancefloor and Lerato took a video of us while we danced and made out here and there.

Overall it was a great time, everyone was having a great time, I kept drinking water in between but for some reason I kept getting drunk worse, to a point where I had to sit down because my vision was even blurry.

Leano: Babe, are you okay? What did you drink before I got here because you're drunker than all your friends here.

I closed my eyes a little.
Me: I don't know and honestly I need to go, I don't even think I can stand.
Leano: You want us to go home?
Me: Yes Leano, I feel dizzy.
Leano: Let me tell your friends.

______
I slept all the way to Leano's apartment, he had to even carry me in his arms when we arrived because I was so drunk.

Leano: Let me help you out of your Jean baby so that you'll be comfortable.
Me: Okay.

I laid on my back while he unzipped my Jean and pulled it down until it was completely off my legs, then I felt him planting soft kisses on my thighs.
Me(sleepy): Leano no, I just want to sleep.
Leano: Then sleep.
Me: I can't with you—

He kissed my lips with his hands all over my body, I felt his hand sneaking inside my underwear and it made contact with my cookie.
Me: Leano, we talked about this.
Leano(low voice): We won't do anything, I just want to feel you.
Me: But that hurts and I hate it, you know that.
Leano: I'll be gentle.

He kissed me again as he started rubbing me with his thumb slowly and gently, I don't know whether it was the alcohol or what, usually it's not this good, it's usually painful especially when he pushes in his fingers.

His lips left my lips and went to my neck.
Leano: Lift up your shirt a little baby.

I lifted up my shirt and he kissed my boobs, gently sucked on my nippləs while his hand was still on my cookie, he slipped a finger in while his thumb rubbed on me, I can't explain what I felt at that moment, between that and gentle attention on my nippləs, I felt my toes curling.

Me(Moans): Leano…

He came back to my lips and I held his face as he deepened the kiss and continued giving my cookie attention. I felt like squeezing my thighs together as I felt something rushing to be set free.

He took out his hand and I felt him fumbling with his own pants without breaking the kiss, we've been here before, I don't even know why he's torturing himself like this knowing very well there's nothing that's going to happen.

Leano: I'm just going to rub the tip only baby.

He got up and took off his pants and shirt and then pulled down my underwear and discarded it on the floor and settled in between my thighs, I could literally feel his shaft poking me.

Leano(breathless): Just the tip baby.

He kissed my lips and I felt him rubbing his shaft at my moist entrance. It was actually hard to concentrate on the kiss while trying to make sure he doesn't catch me by surprise, believe me he's done that before.

Leano: Gosh, baby is this what you're leaving with? Why can't you just gift me this one thing before you leave? It's been 10 months.
Me: Leano, we've been through this before, I'm not ready.
Leano: When will you be ready Ntando?
Me: I don't know, okay?
Leano: And what guarantees do I have that I'll be the first one who will tap?
Me: I'm not doing this with you, Leano, please get up, I'm going home.
Leano: You're not going anywhere.
Me: Leano, please don't do this.

I tried to push him off but for some reason I wasn't that strong.
Me: Leano, why do I feel weak all of a sudden?
Leano: Oh that's the drug kicking in.
Me(shocked): Drug? Leano you drugged me? Why?
Leano: For this very moment, you are stubborn akere? Figured you needed assistance.

No, no, he's not about to—
Me(emotional): Leano, please get off me, I don't want to do this.
Leano: Ntando you are leaving, we've been together for 10 months, I've been patient, I've been understanding but you've been unfair to me, most girls give their boyfriends the 90 day rule but you? It's been 10 months!
Me(crying): So you decided that you'll take it forcefully? Leano, my father , is a detective!
Leano: And who's going to believe you? We are in a relationship Ntando, everyone knows you're head over heels in love with me.
Me(crying): Leano, please don't do this, this isn't you! Please! Just let me go and we will forget about this.

I tried to push him off but I felt so weak, he really drugged me.
Leano: To enjoy this, you must not try to fight me.

I shook my head crying.
Me: Leano, please, please don't do this! I am begging you!

He tried to kiss me while pulling my leg up but I looked away, he buried his face on my neck, I felt him rubbing himself again on me, I felt so powerless now, I couldn't even push him off anymore.
Me(screams): Leano, please!!! Please stop!!
Leano: Do I need to gag you up, Ntando?
Me: Please don't do this! I am begging you!

He didn't listen, I felt him pushing in painfully and I screamed and tried to wiggle out of his grip but I was so weak, he placed his hand over my mouth as I kept shaking my head, screaming but my screams came out muffled, he entered me sharply and it was so painful, all I could do was cry as he did as he pleased with me.

_____
I'd be lying if I said that I was able to sleep, I couldn't, I just lost my virginity in the most brutal way in the hands of someone I trusted, someone I loved, someone I called my boyfriend and he was just laying there, like he didn't just scar me the whole night.

I checked the time and it was 7am, I slowly got up and every part of my body hurt, but I had to drag myself out of here and go, just as I was about to get off he spoke.

Leano: Where are you going?
Me(sniffs): I'm going home Leano, you got what you wanted right?
Leano: You promised me that we'd spend these two days together.
Me: That was before you forced yourself on me Leano!
Leano(chuckles): Baby, you're being dramatic right now, you're my girlfriend, I would never do that.
Me(crying): But you did Leano! You drugged me and brought me here and…(breaking down) Leano I trusted you! And you took advantage of me.
Leano: I took advantage of you? Ntando we made love! Girlfriends and boyfriends do that when they are in a relationship! Get back in bed!
Me(shaking my head): No! I'm going home! And you best believe I'll tell my father about this.
Leano: You will do no such thing, Ntando, if you do that I will kill you!
Me: And you think you haven't done that already? You've ruined me Leano! I hate you! I hate you!

He grabbed me and tossed me back in bed as I screamed, trying to fight him off me, he overpowered me and pinned me on the bed.

Leano: Seems like you didn't get enough, but you taste so good and you're so tight I don't mind doing this again.
Me(crying): Leano, please, okay, okay, I won't tell my father, I won't tell anyone just let me go okay? We will pretend this never happened okay?
Leano: You think I'm stupid? Let's go and take a shower, you bled last night.

TWO DAYS LATER
Leano kept me at his place for the whole two days, he sent everyone close to me a text and told them I was okay and spending time with my boyfriend since I'm leaving today.

These past two days he's been doing as he pleases with me, to a point where I ended up surrendering, giving in so that we wouldn't fight, he never laid a hand on me but the way he was speaking to me was abusive enough.

He showed me a side of him that I've never seen before.

Leano: Do you need help with packing?
Me: No, I'm good.
Leano: Call me when you're done so that I can drive you to the airport, your flight is at 3pm?
Me: Yes.
Leano: Okay baby, I love you okay?

I kept quiet.
Leano: Ntando.
Me: I love you too Leano.

I got out of the car and walked to the house, I unlocked and as soon as I got in, I locked the door behind me and just slid down on it and broke down, letting everything I had been holding in for the past two horrific days out.

How could Leano do this to me? How could he break and scar me like this? At this point I can't even report him because he's made sure there's no evidence, even on the way here, we took a shower first.

I had nothing to prove that he violated me, I just had hickeys, wrist marks and that's it.

If I tell my friends, especially his sister Lerato, she won't believe me, I still don't believe it as well, sometimes I think I made the events in my head and what happened is the total opposite, when you see Leano, you'd never think he's aggressive.

I was disturbed by my phone ringing, it was my aunt, the one I'm going to, in Durban, I wiped my tears and cleared my throat.
Me: Hey aunty.
Aunty Mandisa: Ntando hey, how are you?
Me: I'm good aunty and you?
Aunty Mandisa: I just can't wait for you to get here.
Me(sniffs): Me too.
Aunty Mandisa: Listen, your brother Shaka will fetch you from the airport, I understand you've never met him, but I will send you a picture of him and his number so that you can communicate.
Me: Okay aunty, I will see you shortly.
Aunty Mandisa: Okay Nana.

I dropped the call, when this idea was first proposed, about me going to Durban, studying at DUT and staying with an aunt I've just recently reunited with, I was against the whole idea, but now? I have to go, I need to get away from this place, I have to get away from Leano as well.

I started packing everything, took another shower and got dressed, dad arrived as I was doing touch ups, I'm not particularly a fan of his right now.
Dad: Ntandokazi kaBaba.
Me: Hi.
Dad: What's wrong?
Me: Nothing.
Dad: Ntando, I know you, you're my daughter, you've been crying.

I pulled the sleeves on my wrists and the hoodie on my neck.
Me: There's a lot going on, God forbid a girl is a little emotional.

He sighed.
Me: Baba don't start, you left us, don't act like you care.
Dad: I care Ntandokazi, you're my daughter.
Me(crying): You don't care baba! If you did you wouldn't have left us for your new family!
Dad: Ntando…this is not about that is it? What's wrong?

Me: Everything is wrong baba! Everything is wrong! My whole childhood has been a lie! I thought I had the perfect family! A father and mother under one roof! I considered myself as lucky 80% of children in South Africa don't have that privilege but you ruined it baba! You left! You left mom falling apart and I tried to pick up the pieces! You don't know how difficult the past year has been and I was doing matric!

Honestly I was over what my father did and the aftermath of his actions but I needed a reason to be emotional and vent and blame someone for what happened to me.

Me: Mom fell apart especially when you took my brother as well! She fell apart, it started with a glass of wine everyday, then a bottle a day and then the bottles increased, she'd go to work drunk, she received verbal and written warnings until she was fired! You didn't send us any money, you never checked on us, she drank everything! I had to get into content creation in order to be able to have a little cash so that I'd be able to take care of us! She became verbally abusive! And you were having the time of your life! Her family refused to help us because they felt like she made the wrong decision not agreeing to the polygamous marriage! It's all your fault! It's all your fault!!

I broke down and he held me tight.
Dad: I'm so sorry Ntando I had no idea, why didn't you ever tell me about this?
Me: You left baba! You left! As we speak she's at a mental asylum! Because she went insane after you left us! She's being treated for her alcohol addiction as well and it's all because of you!
Dad: I'm so sorry Ntando.

I wiped my tears.
Me: I have to go.
Dad: Ntando…
Me: No, baba! No! I'm not doing this with you!

I grabbed my suitcases.
Dad: At least let me drive you to the airport.

I let him take the suitcases and I followed with the bags, he was going to be guarding the house until mom returns, which is in 6 months.

As he drove me to the airport, Leano kept calling me, I blocked his number and deleted it, I deactivated all my social media accounts, I have to change my number as well when I get to Durban.

I was done with Joburg and its people, they've hurt me enough.