CH03

BURNING BLUE.
BY BELLA ROYALTY.
03.

[SHAKA 'PRIME' ZWANE]
My cousin has been here for a week and I can count the number of times she's been out of her room, I have never been mugged and held at gunpoint before so I don't know the psychological trauma that comes with that, but I could be wrong, something else is going on with her, dad has suggested she attends therapy and she agreed.

I offered to drive her there but she politely declined, I don't know why, but I feel this certain overprotective instinct over her, it must be the big brother instincts kicking in.

Mom: How is it going with the registrations at school?
Me: Everything is sorted, I'll be fetching her books, timetable and student card tomorrow, unfortunately she has to be at the campus next week for orientation week, it's kind of mandatory especially for 1st year students.
Mom(exhales): Hopefully she will be okay by then.

I am the Student Representative Council president at school, which is why Ntando was able to get a spot at the last minute and I'm currently handling her registration process.

Me: Mom, can I ask you something?
Mom: Ask.
Me: How were things when you got to Joburg?
Mom: In what manner?
Me: Generally, I don't know much about Ntando but she's showing some withdrawal signs, I saw some bruises as well on her wrists, she said something about men being the same, you ask them to do something and they don't listen…

Mom: She was only staying with Zoleka when I got there, Zoleka like I mentioned was…out of it, the divorce really messed her up, it turned her into a drunk, Ntando told me that she had to get into content creation in order to earn a few rands to support them, you know buy food, pay for the water and electricity bill, cosmetics etc.

Me: That's strange, she's changed her number, deactivated all her social media accounts as well, she's withdrawn…

She looked at me.
Me: Maybe while Aunty Zoleka was busy getting drunk, someone tried something with Ntando, maybe it even happened recently.
Mom(gasps): You think someone assaulted her?
Me: I'm not sure but it's more than just mugging.
Mom: Let's hope she will be able to open up to Dr. Karen because I don't think she trusts us enough to open up about whatever is going on with her.

I nodded and she smiled.
Me: What?
Mom: I love how you have just tapped into your big brother role effortlessly when it comes to her, thank you Shaka.

I chuckled.
Me: Cousin.
Mom: In this house we don't have that, we have brothers and sisters, her mother is your mother.

She walked away and I took out my phone and looked at her picture.
Me: What did they do to you back in Joburg?

I zoomed in on the picture. She has a beautiful smile. I haven't seen it yet because she's closed off, but she has a beautiful smile nonetheless, she's beautiful in fact.

I decided to hack her, activated her accounts temporarily, I needed to know about her life before she came here, and the girl I had in my house was different than the one I was seeing here, the one I was seeing here looked happy, carefree, vibrant, alive, but this one I had in my house looked like she went to bed fighting demons.

Two days before she came here, they hosted a chillas with her friends and former classmates I think, she was live, she was even tagged on a video by a Lerato Moré dancing with some guy and being all lovey dovey, I figured he's the boyfriend, I looked him up.

He was currently taking a gap year, he attended the same high school but he was a senior so when he was doing grade 12, she was doing grade 11, they dated about 10 months ago, they looked happy, nothing suspicious, while on that gap year he was driving one of his uncle's taxis.

Me: What am I missing here?

I decided to call Lerato, she seems to be the mutual link between Ntando and Leano.
Lerato: Lerato Morè speaking?
Me: Hi, Lerato, you're speaking to Shaka Zwane, Ntandokazi's cousin, I believe she's your friend?

Lerato: Oh my God! Is she okay? I've been trying to call her, she's deactivated all her social media accounts and she'd never do that. She was even supposed to tell us when she's headed to the airport but she never called, is she okay?

Me: She's fine, she's here with us.
Lerato: Oh thank God! I thought she had cut us off or something.
Me: She might have, I see two days before she came here, y'all had a chillas?
Lerato: Yes, and she left with her boyfriend, my brother. She sent us a text saying that she's going to spend those two days before she leaves with him.
Me: Is it? So she was with him before she came here?
Lerato: Yes
Me: And where is your brother?
Lerato: I haven't seen him in a week, he's a taxi driver and he spends most of his time at my uncle's house, is everything okay?
Me: Everything is fine, thank you Lerato, when Ntando has settled in, she will call you.
Lerato: Okay.

I dropped the call and checked the list of friends, Lerato is the mutual link therefore biased by association, she would never sell out her brother, there was a Kamogela Gela as well here, I called her.
Kamogelo: Hello?
Me: Hi, am I speaking to Kamogelo Gela?
Her: Yes, who's asking?
Me: I'm Shaka Zwane, Ntandokazi's cousin from Durban.
Her: Oh yes! How is she? I've been trying to call her to no avail, she deactivated her social media accounts which is so unlike her by the way, is she okay?
Me: She's fine,just trying to settle in, it's been a bit busy this side, registration and stuff.
Her: Oh yes of course, that makes sense but it's not like her to not be vlogging.

Me: She will soon listen, I wanted to know about her boyfriend, Leano. I know she spent two days with him before she came here. What can you tell me about their relationship?

She sounded like she was moving.
Kamo: Well they've been together for almost a year, but very recently they've been having problems especially regarding the whole situation with Ntando having to move to Durban, he didn't understand why she had to study there when there's plenty of Universities and colleges as well this side, there was also the issue of the long distance relationship.

Me(nods): I see, is there anything else you can tell me about their relationship?
Kamo: Well I shouldn't be telling you this, but they also fought about sex.
Me: Sex?

This was a blabber mouth, she will tell me all that I need to know.
Kamo: Ntando is a virgin, she didn't feel like she was ready and with her moving, Leano was putting pressure on her, he wanted her to cement their relationship that was about to be a long distance relationship by creating a bond sexually.

Me: I assume my cousin still didn't feel ready?

Kamo: She didn't feel ready, the day at the chillas they were still fighting and he just showed up. I asked her if they were still fighting and she said yes, but they seemed to be talking and I assumed they were fixing things and she left with him.

Me: How did she seem when they left?
Kamo: She was drunk, like way too drunk for someone who was drinking water in between.

I gripped on the pen I was playing with till it broke in half, just thinking of what could have happened.
Me: Is Leano an aggressive person?
Kamo: No, he's a sweet and charming boy, he's always treated my friend so well.
Me: Okay, thank you Kamo, I'll ask Ntando to call you later.
Kamo: Okay.
Me: Please don't tell anyone about this call, I just want to get to know my cousin a little bit.
Kamo: It's no hassle.

I dropped the call, I had a theory but before I acted, I needed to be sure, and the only person who could verify this theory seemed like she hated my guts.

[NTANDOKAZI NGEMA]
So my Aunt and Uncle suggested therapy because of that encounter I had when I arrived here, they figured I was closed off and withdrawn because of what happened that day, but little did they know that it wasn't even about that.

I've been seeing Dr. Karen for the past 3 days, and it's only been about getting to know me, we've been taking things slow the past 2 days but today, she asked me, what do I want to talk about, what brought me to her office to seek for help and I've been fidgeting with my fingers ever since.

Dr. Karen: Would you like to take a break?

I shook my head and took a deep breath.
Me: My parents separated last year while I was doing my final year in High school.

She nodded, jotting down.
Me: I didn't take the separation well, I've always thought I had the perfect family and childhood, considered myself lucky as well because of the state of single parents in this country, only for my bubble to burst when I found out my father wasn't this perfect father and husband I thought he was, not only was he leaving us, but he had a whole secret family that we didn't know about, it felt like he had chosen them over us and had abandoned us, I spent the whole year hating on him, asking myself if he loved us, loved me that much, why didn't he choose us, choose me?

I wiped my tears.
Me: And then I met my boyfriend, Leano, I've always known him because he's my best friend's brother and I may have had a secret crush on him, he asked me out and we dated, It felt like I had another male figure in my life, things between us were good, he was there for me when I needed him, mind you, I had the most difficult year last year, the divorce, academics, my mother spiraling, but he was the only consistent and sane thing I had in my life.

Dr. Karen: Sounds like a good young man who really loved you.

I scoffed.
Me: A good young man? Who loved me? If that was the case he wouldn't have sexually violated me Dr. Karen! If he was a good young man, he wouldn't have felt entitled to my body! He wouldn't have drugged me and kept me in his apartment for two days, threatening to kill me if I said a word about what had happened! I was scared because taxi drivers have a reputation, I know they have guns, I feared for my life! Coming here was supposed to be my escape from him, but then I was mugged, men just seem to take, take and take everything from me! Why Dr. Karen? Why would he do this to me? First it was my father, then Leano and then those thugs who felt entitled to my phone and money, I just…

I broke down.

_____
Dr. Karen told me that I could still open a case of assault against Leano, but what good will that do for me? Everyone will know my business, everyone will say that I'm lying, he was my boyfriend, there's no way he could have done that to me.

She told me that consent in a relationship is very important, that it doesn't matter when you change your mind, it could be when you're naked under him but if you tell him no, he has to let you go, she even asked me if I watched Skeem Saam apparently they raised awareness on consent, all that she was saying made sense but going to court and all that?

I couldn't do it, I just wanted to deal with this and forget about it. I didn't want to relive it and keep talking about it. Karma will deal with Leano.

What got to me is her question, 'Did he use protection?'

He didn't, I never even took emergency pills, now I was stressed all over again, what if I was pregnant? What if I had HIV? It's been a week!

She advised me to see a doctor, someone who'd take these tests, and I was suddenly scared.

Usually I find my aunt already waiting for me when I'm done, but today, she wasn't here, instead it was her son who was here, I swear I keep being tested, I despise men at the moment.

Shaka: Before you freak out, mom had an emergency, Elihle is not feeling well.

Aunty Mandisa has 3 kids, Shaka being the eldest, he's doing his final year in Information Technology and then there's the twins, Elihle and Esihle who are 6 years old, they are beautiful girls, well all my aunt's kids are beautiful, including iLembe.

I didn't say anything, I just followed him, we got to his beast of a car and he opened the door for me and I got in, we drove off.

He was playing Drake songs in the car and kept stealing glances at me.
Me: Just ask Shaka.

I asked, already annoyed, because why does he keep stealing glances at me?
Shaka: How are the sessions with Dr. Karen coming along? Are they any help?
Me: It's only been 3 days.
Shaka: Oh yes, sorry, I've never had to see a therapist before so I don't know what goes on in there.
Me: Right.
Shaka: I'm sorry.

I kept quiet.
Shaka: I should have been there, I'm sorry I wasn't.
Me: It's okay, I'm over it, I got my phone and money back so…(shrugs)
Shaka: Still, they traumatized you.
Me: I've been through far worse, trust me.

He looked at me.
Me: My parents divorce, mom spiraling, her verbal abuse…etc.
Shaka: I'm interested in the etc.
Me: I'm not.

He exhaled.
Shaka: Okay, so why did you deactivate your social media accounts?

Me: I got into content creation because I needed money and I had the busiest final year of high school, so I needed to make money by doing something that wasn't time consuming, apparently my aunt is rich so I don't have to do that anymore.

Shaka: You seemed happy doing that though.
Me: Looks can be deceiving.

He kept quiet for a while.
Shaka: So, did you have a boyfriend back in Joburg?

I shifted uncomfortably and cleared my throat.
Me: No.
Shaka: Your relationship was kind of public, #Iqanda Lomfana we 16 seater?
Me: We broke up.
Shaka: Wanna talk about it?
Me: No, actually, I don't, ever.

He kept quiet.
Shaka: I saw the bruises on your wrist that day.
Me(Snaps): Oh my God Shaka will just let it go? It's none of your business!

He stopped the car in the middle of the road and turned his attention to me.

Shaka: Do you see that? That is a snap from someone who's been abused! What did he do to you? Ntando tell me now and I swear to God I'll take the next available flight to Joburg and I'll make sure I chop him into nice little pieces that I'll feed to Rex!

I frowned.
Me: You think I was abused? You think he abused me? In what way?
Shaka: I don't know but it's definitely not emotionally, did he hit you?

I stared at him.
Shaka: Did he force himself on you?

I couldn't stare at him, I looked away.
Me: I don't know what you're talking about, I'd like to get home, I'd call a cab but I don't particularly trust a stranger to drive me home anymore.

Shaka(sighs): Ntandokazi, please let me help you, I know maybe you're not used to asking for help, You're not used to having a big brother, but I'm here, that's my job now, to protect you, please let me in, please I can see that you're not okay, allow me to help you, trust me.

I shook my head.
Me: You're seeing things Shaka, please start the car.

He held my hand and I immediately got goosebumps, what the hell? The look he was giving me as well was just…No, absolutely not!

I yanked my hand from him.
Me: That's how I got the bruise on my wrist in the first place! People grabbing my hand way too tight!

He exhaled and started the car and we drove off in total silence.

For whatever reason my eyes just started watering, I noticed that he was taking a different route, I didn't even have the courage to ask him where he was taking me.

We arrived in front of a beautiful complex, I wiped my tears, and he got out of the car and came to open my side of the door, he held out his hand and I looked at it for a while before I took it.

He led me inside his apartment, it was so beautiful, spacious and neat.

He led me to the couch and went to get me a bottle of water, he opened it and handed it to me, I took a deep breath after taking a sip and shook my head, the tears wouldn't stop.

Me(crying): I'm sorry.
Shaka: It's okay, it's okay.

He sat next to me and held me in his arms, he was smelling so good, his arms felt so familiar, I don't know maybe I was confused, I don't know what was happening but I felt safe in his arms. He started rubbing my back a little and my body shivered at his touch and I laid my head on his chest and placed my hand on it.

I felt his lips on my forehead.
Shaka: I'm here for you.

I kept quiet for a while.
Me: Things between Leano and I started of well, from the very start I've always been vocal about where I stood when it comes to sex, countless times he assured me he understood and respected my decision, however the past couple of weeks we've had close calls, you know when we are alone and caught up in the moment, the recent time was when he snuck his hand inside my pants and started fingering me, it was so painful, I told him that we could do anything besides that because I don't know whether it was his rough hands or fingers but it was uncomfortable and painful.

His breathing changed.
Me: We had a huge fight when he tried that again, it just exploded into something huge, he brought up the move to Durban, how he didn't understand why I was leaving, how we were going survive the long distance and his fears that I might move on when I get here, we didn't talk for a few days and then he rocked up at the chillas my friends and classmates had.

He played with my hair and that was soothing.
Me: He apologised Shaka, all seemed good, he was in charge of my drinks but I kept drinking water in between, he convinced me that if I spent the last two days before I left with him, he wouldn't try anything, so I agreed, we went to his place, we kissed and…

Shaka: You can stop if you don't feel comfortable.

Me: He did it again, he had his hand in there, but because I was drugged and drunk, it wasn't as uncomfortable, he took off his pants and I stopped him and he told me he'd just rub the tip in only, but he lied Shaka, I begged him, I begged him to stop but he didn't, he felt entitled to my body, to my virginity, he told me he drugged me because I was stubborn and needed assistance, I tried to fight him, but I was so weak, he had his hand over my mouth Shaka and he just, he kept me there for two days and he took advantage of me.

He stood up, I couldn't read his expression because he had his back against me.

Me(crying): I trusted him, I loved him, at some point I was going to be intimate with him but at that time I wasn't ready, why couldn't he just understand? If sex was that much of an issue, why couldn't he cheat? Like every guy out there? Why did he have to scar me this way?

I bit my lip hard.
Me(crying): I can't sleep, whenever sleep sneaks up on me, I'm always woken up by this weight on top of me and his scent all over me, sometimes I feel his sweat dripping on me, sometimes I hear him groaning in pleasure mumbling just how hot I am, how tight I am, how selfish I was to deprive him of such a good thing…how am I supposed to move on from this Shaka? Who is this special guy that will be able to make me like and trust men again? Because right now I feel like I won't be able to, which is frustrating because I love love, I believe in love, I want to be loved, I crave love but right now I'm just filled with nothing but hatred, fear and disgust.

He finally turned to me and he looked different, not the Shaka I met a week ago, who said 'sho' to me.

Shaka: I'm going to fix this, do you hear me?

Me(Crying): We can't report this, I don't want to spend the next months reliving this whole nightmare in front of a jury, I don't want people questioning the authenticity of this whole ordeal just because he was my boyfriend and I took so long to report this and there's no evidence, I just… want to forget Shaka, I want to move on.

He knelt infront of me and caressed my cheek, his eyes were soft, sympathetic even.
Shaka: He doesn't deserve to be locked up, you don't deserve to relive that nightmare as well.

I nodded.
Shaka: I won't tell anyone about this, not even our parents but…

His eyes fell on my lips, doing a triangle thing. I think with everything that's going on, I might be a little emotionally confused, this might be innocent, this might just be him looking at me because what he's about to say is crazy but he wants me to know that he means it and I'm just overthinking.

He got closer to me and I held my breath and closed my eyes.
Shaka: I'm going to kill him.

He kissed my forehead and got up, I opened my eyes feeling a little stupid, what on earth did I think my own cousin was going to do? Kiss me or something? Really? I exhaled, something is wrong with me.