CH12

BURNING BLUE.
BY BELLA ROYALTY.
12.

[NTANDOKAZI NGEMA]
For the first time in weeks, I feel like I am okay both mentally and physically and I can finally breathe, Lord knows I haven't done that in a while, it's just been battles, after battles but now? I feel like the storm is finally over and I can just breathe.

Last weekend I was in Joburg, quite an eventful weekend I must say, it was both Uncle Kgotso and Lerato's funeral, I was kind of stretching by going there given the situation but I figured they wouldn't curse me out while they are still grieving, so I went there, to my surprise I was even included in the programme, to speak on behalf of Lerato's friends, the whole crew stood with me and I delivered one heck of a speech about how I had lost a friend and a sister.

How I lost one person who had never betrayed me, but we all know that was bullshit right? But anyway, Lerato was once my friend so I chose to remember her that way, not by her last moments.

After the funeral, I was asked to stay behind, I immediately called for backup, that being my father, the Molapo family actually humbled themselves and apologised, they acknowledged their mistakes and asked for forgiveness on behalf of their son, they even offered to pay damages, the aunt who is also a healer, offered to cleanse me to prevent the Molapo ancestors ruining my chances of ever becoming a mother in future because I wasn't cleansed right.

My father also had to cleanse me, the Ngema way, so when I say I'm okay, physically, I really mean it.

Mentally? I'm pleased to announce that I'm not depressed, I am just a girl who went through a traumatic experience who is trying to deal with it, one step at a time and honestly that's what I'm choosing to focus on.

I am choosing to focus on school, my mental health, my physical health and just enjoying my first year as a University student.

So I am back to creating content, doing song covers, dancing, vlogging you know, having fun and getting paid while doing it and as far as relationships are concerned? I'd say I'm doing quiet okay.

I mean I have two friends, Nandi and Buhle, Nandi is still trying to get with Prime by the way, I have Tumelo as well, we haven't defined our relationship, but we call each other by pet names, he buys me gifts and flowers, he calls me in the morning, checks up on me during the day and comes later to collect his kisses.

As for my cousin and I, we've been avoiding each other, I think on my side, I am just trying not to get tempted, since the feelings I have for him haven't faded yet, sometimes I randomly day dream about him, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat and something else down there, and Lord knows I'm trying my best to resist temptation but I can only try for so long, at the end of the day I am still human, I can only play with fire for so long till it burns me, but nevertheless, because I actually like Tumelo, I will keep on fighting the devil.

Speaking of the devil, he's just driven in, I'm currently in my bikini, seated by the pool, basking in the sun, unfortunately I won't be quick enough to get the towel, hopefully he just goes straight to the house and not come to me, I don't want to be accused of seducing anyone today.

The parents are currently in East London, they left this morning, they have a business meeting there, they'll be back tomorrow, which means we have the house to ourselves, and we are on babysitting duty, since Mam' Zanele had to attend a family emergency.

Elihle and Esihle are currently taking a nap, poor little munchkins were exhausted, I was teaching them how to swim, so their little feet were tired.

Remember when I told you that the angel that's in charge of my life hates me? Well I wasn't lying, clearly the cleansing didn't cleanse her soul, because Shaka was coming to where I was and I felt naked.

He took off his shades as he approached me.
Shaka(smiles): You have a chillas and you don't invite me?
Me: Please don't use the word chillas.
Shaka: My bad, you look beautiful.
Me: Don't be weird Shaka.
Shaka: I can't compliment you now?
Me: Not when I'm wearing a bikini, it just means you were checking me out and that's weird.

He chuckled.
Shaka: You've been avoiding me.
Me: No, I've been busy.
Shaka: So I've been seeing things then?
Me: Lembe what do you want? Shouldn't you be with your friends or something?
Shaka: We are babysitting aren't we? Thought I'd pop in and help out or something, besides I was bored, might as well join you.
Me: Be quiet, I'm day dreaming here, I'm currently in the Maldives.

We laughed.
Shaka: Let me go and change then, get myself a drink and we will day dream together.

He walked inside the house and I exhaled, another day to resist the devil, I swear I get tested each and everyday in this world, I'm starting to hate it here.

I was using my phone to play music on the speaker, so really I was in the Maldives, as I was changing the song, something dropped on the pool and the water splashed me, getting me wet instantly, I screamed and Shaka laughed, he jumped from the top, oh my God this guy!

Me: You will buy me another bloody phone wena Shaka Zulu! Yeses!
Shaka: Come join me.
Me: Not a chance!
Shaka: Peach, please, I promise I'll behave.

I rolled my eyes as I stood up to fetch a dry towel so that I could wipe my phone, he whistled, oh my God, he's such a menace! I decided to pay him no attention.

I wiped my phone and it alerted me that it was low and needed to be charged.
Me: Can you please connect your phone for some music? Mine needs to be charged.
Shaka: It's in my room! Bring me a beer Peach.
Me: Uyacela?

He laughed.
Shaka: Please.

I walked back inside, I checked on the twins and then went to Shaka's room, I've never been here actually, never needed a reason to, it smelled of him, strong, bold, sexy, masculine and desire.

I took his phone and it vibrated, why isn't it locked? And I'm not a noisy person, okay well maybe I am okay? There was an open chat between him and Tumelo.

[Shaka: I'm on my way home now, I will be seducing her today and then I will get back to you, whatever happens, it'll be on you, I still think this is a bad idea.
Tumelo: Prime please, you know why I'm doing this, I need to be certain that Ntando is really not willing to act on whatever it is that she feels for you, I need to be able to not freak out whenever the two of you are together alone.
Shaka: Okay fine, hopefully this doesn't change a thing between us all.
Tumelo: I hope I'm proven wrong.]

I couldn't believe this, what? Wait hold up! So Tumelo doesn't trust me, well he doesn't trust me around Shaka and he's asked Shaka to seduce me and then tell him if I walked into the trap or not? Who would suggest something like this?

And Shaka? Why would he agree to this? Is he not afraid that by seducing me and making me fall into the trap he will be crossing the line? The very same line he's been preaching about not wanting to cross? Kanti abafana banjani?

I mean in a way, I understand Tumelo but this? This is not the right way to prove whether I'm inlove with my cousin or not.

He doesn't have even the slightest clue how many times I've tried to fight temptation, how many times I've chosen to walk away from Shaka? And naye uShaka he just agreed to this so easily? I know it's bros before hoes but he'd seriously be willing to take it that far just to prove which side he's on?

I don't know whether I was disappointed or angry, I didn't even know what to do, confront them or play into their game? I thought Tumelo and I were building something, but if he's setting traps like this for me? I'm afraid this relationship is doomed before it even starts.

I logged off from his WhatsApp and went downstairs, I went to the fridge and got him his beer and then went back to the pool, he was smoking, he was wearing red shorts, his upper body was to die for! Oh you know his chest had a full wing tattoo, he had a few on his arms as well which made him hella sexy, I counted 6,7,8 packs, Torso? V line? Ripped! No, he was sexy shame…okay, okay I'm done checking him out.

I handed him his stuff.
Shaka: You okay?
Me: Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
Shaka: It's just that you look weird.
Me: Oh don't mind me, play some music.

He connected his phone while I dipped my legs in the pool, he played music and then had a sip of his beer and then threw away the cigarette bud and swam to me, I was in my feelings honesty. I felt betrayed on both sides.

He emerged out of the water and came to me, he rested his arms on my knees and looked at me, I couldn't.

Shaka: Can you take off your amulet?
Me: Why?
Shaka: Trust me.

I took it off and gave it to him, he inspected it and chuckled as he threw it inside the water.
Me: Why did you do that?
Shaka: Oh God, why didn't I see this coming? Might as well come clean but first answer this for me Peach, do you like Tumelo, like really like him or you're with him because you can't get me?
Me: We've been through this before Shaka.
Shaka: Can you please be honest?
Me: I liked him.
Shaka: Liked?
Me(clears throat): Like, I like him and no I'm not with him because I can't get you, I'm not supposed to get you anyway you're my cousin, I'm with him because I genuinely liked…

I closed my eyes.
Me: I genuinely like him and I saw us…sorry I see us starting something really special, I've made peace with whatever it is that I felt for you, well what I thought I felt for you.

He studied me for a while.
Shaka: 3 weeks ago, Tumelo asked me for a favor, I'd be lying if I said it sat well with me, but bro to bro, I understood where he was coming from, but the big brother in me, it didn't sit well with me, I felt like agreeing to do this thing and actually doing it wouldn't be fair on you.

Is he confessing? Oh my bad, that would mean this old lady that's looking out for me, actually cares about me— thats my angel by the way.

Shaka: He asked me to seduce you, I don't know pretend to give in to whatever it is that you feel for me, basically lead you on and then report to him, if you took the bait he'd know he'd never stand a chance with you because he'd always have to worry about the two of us whenever we are together whether we are getting up to no good or what, but if you didn't take the bait given the chance, he'd know he could trust you.

Me: Were you going to do it?
Shaka: Honestly, I agreed to it, mainly because I didn't want your relationship with him to work out anyway, believe me he's a good guy, and this is coming from a good place but I wanted to ruin your relationship out of my own selfish reasons.

I swallowed, feeling overwhelmed.
Shaka: But I should have known he wouldn't just take my word for it, your amulet, it has a tracker that's why it glows.

I gasped in shock.
Shaka: Your phone probably glitched a little today or maybe yesterday?
Me: Yesterday.
Shaka: He intercepted it, he wanted to hear us, I think he tried to intercept mine but I'm a hacker myself so it is heavily protected, basically let's say you fell into the trap but then I tell him you didn't, he'd have proof that you did.

I wiped a tear that was falling off my cheek.

Shaka: Peach come on, don't cry.

Me: I just… I don't understand, Shaka, why would the both of you do this to me? After everything that I've been through? Can't you see that I'm a bit confused at the moment? I've be trying to resist you all this time because deep down I know that it's wrong to feel the way I do about you, you are my cousin, my aunt's son, it's wrong, as hard as it's been I've been turning all your advances down, not because of Tumelo, but because it's wrong, and you guys just decided to play tricks on me?

He seemed hurt, I wiped my tears.
Me: Of course Shaka if you pushed me too far I was going to cave in because I cannot think straight when you're near me, I haven't been resisting you because I'm strong, I've just been lucky enough to find easier ways out of the situation, like back at school, when you threatened to kiss me, I had an easy way out which was to push pass through you and leave, back in my bedroom when you asked me to be there for you, I had an easy way out because Tumelo called and I used that as an escape, do you guys not see what you are doing? You want to play with my mind, my feelings all because you want to prove a point?

He looked down.
Me: Tumelo doesn't like me the way he says he does, you don't set traps for someone you like, I feel like he's just also looking for ways to not go ahead with this relationship, he ought to know that I wasn't going to pass this test, is it because of what I went through? That he suddenly doesn't want to be with me anymore Shaka? I know it's a bit much, the rapè and the aboʻrtion, I feel dirty as well but he could have just told me he changed his mind instead of doing this, and you?

Shaka: Peach, come on, I wasn't going to do this, that's why we are here.
Me(snaps): Don't lie to me Shaka! I saw your chats! You told him you were doing it today!
Shaka: I said that because he was nagging me! I came here with a purpose to come clean so that you'd make your own decision but to also tell you that you're not delusional, you're not seeing a spark where there isn't! I came here to tell you that…

He kept quiet.
Me: Tell me what? Tell me what Shaka?
Shaka: Fuck it!

Everything happened so fast, I don't even know when he got up and stood infront of me, in between my legs and kissed the living daylights out of me, literally snatching the soul out of me, I saw double and then it was nothing, the kiss was hungry, not rushed though but passionate and filled with desire, for a moment nothing else mattered, my brain went to sleep.

He pulled out of the kiss, both of us breathing heavily, he pressed our foreheads together.
Me(breathless): We shouldn't have done that.
Shaka: Probably.
Me: Shaka!

He looked at me.
Shaka: I've been feeling it from the very first day we met, the very first day I walked in on you in the living room crying after they had robbed you, my actions from there weren't of concern or the need to protect you as my cousin sister, at first I had that overprotective instinct, the need to keep you safe but sometimes I failed at hiding how I felt, so the forehead kisses, back hand kisses, the hugs, those were some of the mistakes I did while in the moment and forgot who you were, I lied to you and said I hated hugs, cuddles, I'm terrible at communication or being a boyfriend that is because I wanted to kill this…whatever it is before we got our hopes up, yazi Peach ever since you got here I haven't even mastered the courage to be with any girl, which is weird because my God, I love sex, but I always felt like I'd be betraying you or something.

I swallowed, he was telling the truth, I could see it, he meant every word.

Shaka: But Peach we have to be honest, this shouldn't happen, it's just… we'd break this family apart, our mothers have just found each other, they'd force us to break up, my father doesn't tolerate nonsense as much as he seems like a cool dad, he'd probably disown me and strip me of everything, I don't think what we have is worth all of that drama? Do you?

Honestly I didn't know as well if what I felt for him was even worth pursuing or ngiziphathelwe ubufebe nje.
Me: I don't know.
Shaka: Like I…

He bit his lip.
Shaka: I like you, no, I love you but you're just something I cannot have, you're like a forbidden fruit, deadly, I know if I have it, I stand to lose it all, but yet I want to have a taste either way, I'm just… I'm not really good at these things, but Peach, as much as I'm sure of what I want, is it worth pursuing? Is it worth the destruction of this family?

I looked down.
Shaka: I just have to love you from afar.

He pecked my lips and walked out of the water and then walked away, he left me in disbelief, barely understanding a word he said, what do I do with this information? What do I even do with Tumelo?

I touched my lips, reminiscing about the kiss…
Shaka: This moment never happened, Peach okay? I will tell Tumelo you didn't fall for the trap, you'll tell him I made a move on you, the two of you can start on a clean slate, be happy and in love I guess.
Me: Shaka…
Shaka: No, Peach, we can't, we really can't.

He took his phone and beer and walked inside the house while I looked down.