CHAPTER ONE

I was once an optimistic person who looked at life through rose colored glasses. With my ill mother, hard working father and delinquent older brother, I decide to smile through it all. Every day, for the past four years, I have felt nothing but guilt for not doing anything to help improve my family's situation. My father never understood why I was studying instead of looking for a job. Working as a gardener never earned him enough money to support all four of us. My brother is a small time criminal who does petty crimes and keeps on impregnating his girlfriend.

 Nkokheli is now a father of two boys, with one more baby on the way and yet he still lives at home. He has been caught multiple times by the police, but he never really spent more than a week under police custody. But everyone in the township knows him as a criminal, and they are afraid of him. Which means no one dares to piss me off or hurt me, because I have a personal bodyguard who always hovers over me.

My mother is ill but she somehow doesn't have a medical diagnosis. We have taken her to all the government hospitals that are near us but no doctor can diagnose her. The local pastors have prayed for her so many times, even they have given up. As a family of Christians, we don't believe in traditional healers and sangomas but I have suggested that we explore that route and my parents almost slapped my head off that day. My father is a gardener in the neighboring suburbs. He attends to different houses and although he is not paid handsomely, we accept whatever he receives and we are grateful for it. I study in the neighboring tertiary institution and I am funded by a private company's bursary. I studied Bachelor of Human Resource Management, and no, that was not my first choice but after doing a lot of research and consideration, I ended up applying for it.

I am a small girl with big dreams but my dreams were going to delay the plans I have for myself and my family. And now, as I grasp my graduation letter and allow the words to sink in, I feel nothing but joy in my heart. Although I will not be able to attend the graduation ceremony, I am more than grateful for the opportunity to change my life for the best. My only concern though, would be finding a job as soon as possible because my dad is forever on my case about that. He made studying uncomfortable because he did not even see the point of me studying. My mother's health only made matters worse and pressured me to do my level best. I have been doing little piece jobs at restaurants, serving others whenever I was free just so I could send money home. Even Nkokheli presented money whenever he could but my mother wanted none of his dirty money, as she put it.

'What is that?' Nkokheli asks, snatching the letter from my grasp. I roll my eyes and walk away from him, not even bothering to answer his question. He'll read and find his answer anyway. 'You know, you can always ask rather than just take, take and take.' I love my brother but sometimes he makes it impossible for me to remember that. 'You know very well that, that's not my style.' Says a criminal, of course that's not his style. He thinks the world is his oyster, he does whatever he wants and takes from hard working people. He claims he's the Peter Pan of our township, trust Nkokheli to justify crime. 'What is this now, summer louder?' I chuckle at his mispronounciation. You never know whether he is doing it on purpose or not. He was one of the smartest people I knew before he dropped out and pursued a life of crime.

Snatching the letter from him, I fold it and put it back in the manila folder. 'Its Summa Cum Laude.' Yes, I couldn't believe it myself, but it was worth it. My bursar gave me a student loan so I could further my studies and do my honours, which would help me find employment faster and also, increase my pay. For the first four years after graduating, I have to work for them as a way to repay them. 'Its a pity I won't be able to attend the graduation ceremony.' I walk out of the room before he tries to change my mind. Knowing him, he would put together a job with his boys, just so he could raise funds for me to attend the graduation ceremony. And that's one of the things I love about my brother, there is absolutely nothing he would not do for me.

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'Uhuru, I saw on the group chat that you will not be attending the graduation ceremony.' Professor Bonginkosi Nzimande says from the other end of the line. Everything in me is telling me to end this call but the professor is one of the few people on campus who helped me get where I am, I guess I do owe him an explanation of sort. 'Yes, I don't have the funds for it.' It is not my intention to be so vague but talking about my home's economic state always drains me, along with having to explain it to outsiders. These past four years have been exhausting, in between studying hard and trying to fit in. I could never complain about going to bed hungry because my bursar was very generous but I had to send some of my money home because mom refused to eat anything Nkokheli bought. That means, all the money I had remaining either went to my tuitions, student accommodation, transport and food.

'You know you can always ask for help, right?' I couldn't possibly ask that of him. He has helped me more that I can think of. His words of encouragement and the time he spent helping me with my honors was more than enough, I still have to express my gratitude for that. 'Asking you for more help would be like wanting my cake and eating it too.' A rich laughter booms through the speaker of my phone, courting a little smile on my lips. Oh, how I will miss school and the free coffees Bonginkosi bought me on our secret extra classes. Secret because we would be rumoured to have something more outside a student-professor relationship. And it is not usual for students to get results, such as mine, so it would be quite fitting for the situation. That would not only land him in hot waters with the institution, but me as well.

'Oh but you were always so... Reserved. Tell you what, come and see me tomorrow. I will help you with preparations for your graduation, along with the speech the Dean wants you to present.' And that speech, is one of the many reasons that I do not want to attend the ceremony. I know that people will expect something perfect and mind blowing from me and if I fail to deliver, I might as well embarrass myself for the last time before starting a new life. 'What do you mean you'll help me prepare for the graduation?' If I agree to this, I might as well be taking advantage of this man's kindness. If anything, I owe him and not the other way around. 'I mean exactly that and my mind is already made up. I will request an uber for you, come straight here after work and we'll talk things through.'

I sigh because I know no matter what I say, he is the most stubborn and hotheaded person I know, well besides Nkokheli. And having known him for so long, I know he will not change his mind. I wonder how we have gotten along as much as we do because we are the same. And I wonder why I always let him win even though I feel guilty every time he helps me. I remember how, with everytime he helped me, it was him who insisted on it and there is nothing I can offer to pay him back. 'Speaking of work, I have to go.' I quickly hang the phone up. I turn around to grab my coat and find Nkokheli standing by the door way with his arms folded across his chest. 'Entlek I need to speak to your boss about these skimpy dresses they make you wear.' Oh, here we go again. I quickly throw the coat on and grab my bag. 'Can we just go, I'm not in the mood.'

'When are you doing ever in the mood?'