Chapter 2

The following day bred a magnificent dawn. I woke up to the citrus rooibos that Ms. Khambule, our helper had made me.

I stood at the balcony as I slowly sipped on it enjoying the sunrise. I could smell the sunflowers in the distance. The tea was quenching and tickling my morning thirst the best way possible. It was just what I needed.

After finishing my tea, I proceeded to lotion my body and put perfume before putting on my scrubs. I glanced at the hem of my pants and sighed as they were a bit short…not too much. That's what I get for being so tall. I didn't seem 26 at all but my face did me justice. My height played in my favour in high school when I needed to collect all those netball trophies.

I went downstairs and had breakfast with my family. I received a call from Gontse, my best friend…asking me to rush to the hospital.

I got in my car and drove to the hospital…took off the coat my nephew bought for me before hopping out to help my friend with the surgery we were supposed to perform.

She looked so anxious and concerned. That wasn't good at all. If you come together with the older, more experienced surgeons and doctors, they will definitely be able to smell the anxiety from afar. Then, they will, for a long time, doubt your ability to do your job as expected.
Gontse: Friend…you are finally here.
She embraced me.

I looked at her and sighed.
Me: I'm sorry I took longer than expected. Traffic was terrible.
Gontse: It's totally fine. At this time, you should still be at home, enjoying breakfast. You rushed here to help me. I'm grateful.
Me: Okay…let's get to work.
Gontse: Yeah…the other surgeons are headed to the operation room…He is four, has a brain tumour... Not his first brain surgery. The first tumour removal was almost successful, except there was a tiny piece the doctors did not remove. As a result, the tumour has grown back. It's even larger this time. There has been a lot of complications hindering us from removing the tumour, but we think now is the time. Before we lose him.

I stopped her a second and held her hand.
Me: hey sis…you're doing well. We're going to do this together. No need to pant and tremble. No need at all.
I didn't want my friend to be in trouble. If she continued like this…she would be considered clumsy and untrustworthy.
Gontse: I know. I just can't…I should be able to give the report like a professional…Hold the right posture and chin up but…but I can't…
Me: you can. You are more than capable. Okay. We are not entering that operation room until you calm down. Until you're ready.

We took long deep breaths for a few minutes before heading in. Everything was moving quick and that was always the most terrifying part about being a doctor. Everything is always supposed to move quick with no mistake made…at all. Each mistake costs someone their life.

The surgeons tried everything in their power…to remove the tumour but it had spread wider and larger than they imagined. The internal bleeding was also getting out of hand and there was barely anything they could do to save him.

Our Head of Surgery began to prepare us as we ran out of options. He knew what was about to happen. That even if we tried our utmost best…with all the tricks in the books, little Azile wasn't going to make it.
Dr Mkhwanazi: Dr Mtolo, Dr Morake…please step back. We will handle the rest. Just stand back and observe. You will need this in future.

For the first time ever, a kid lost his life in my presence. I couldn't do anything. My hands were tied.
"This is not why I became a doctor" I said to myself, silently.
After the surgery, Gontse and I went our separate ways.

I only had a few minutes to cry before heading to the paediatric ward…to face more kids. I loved kids, with all my heart but what had just happened made me think of my baby panda, Lee. They needed checkups and their meds. None of them needed intense attention.

"Whew" I said, as I saw my boyfriend of five years standing at our cafeteria, waiting for me.
Me: baby…
I embraced him, tightly. I needed that.
Yandani: My love. How are you?
Me: I'm not really well. I'm exhausted and I'm upset. We lost a baby boy this morning. I can't forgive myself.
Yandani: Ahh…I'm sorry. That can never be easy to digest. I need you to know that it's not your fault. But I brought your favourite food, Penne, and creamy chicken. I hope this makes you feel better. There's also baked potatoes on the side.
He rubbed my hand.

Yandani understood me better than anybody. We met at tertiary. He had just graduated with his Biochemistry degree, but his career didn't even begin so he came back and started his Mechanical engineering degree. We graduated at the same time, but he decided to continue with his studies.

It was fortunate that even though we did not come from families of the same level of status or prestige, he wasn't intimidated by my family's status compared to his. He was always there for me when I wanted to surrender to the obstacles I faced. He was my best friend.

I understood that his mom had been a helper for years and his dad was a deadbeat which would cause him and his sister to grapple a little financially as they had to not only take care of their mom who had just retired but also their two younger siblings. On the other hand, my dad managed a car dealership and a supermarket on the side.

Bhanekazi worked as a hotel receptionist and so I kind of understood what it was like to have a family member that struggled to take care of both their needs and of those that depended on them.

I can't recall how many times I had to remind my sister that she was doing well for herself and that we were proud of her, but she still felt pressured coming from a privileged family only to become a receptionist. Each time I tried to express how proud I was…she shut me out and told me to mind my own business and that I was speaking from a place a privilege (just because I was always academically excelling, and dad always showed more pride towards me than her).

Well…this is not about her. Yandani held my hand and told me to breath.
Me: I can't…I still feel like I could've done something to save that little baby. His mom? She was restlessly sitting on that bench, waiting to hear the results.
Yandani: I can only imagine…losing a kid.
Me: I don't want to imagine. My only child right now is Lee, and I'd fall apart and perish if I lost him.
Yandani: I know that damn well. Nobody comes anywhere near my baby's baby.
Me: Right!
Yandani: Eat your food. I went out of my way to seek the fastest driver so you could have it warm.
Me: Thank you, my heaven.
Yandani: you're welcome.

Yandani always had this baby-like, puppy face whenever he did something nice or kind for someone. Like a proud boy face and it was just so unbearably adorable.

I dug in my food and the creamy chicken was yummy and so comforting.
Me: Enough about me. How are you? How has your day been?
Yandani: Not so well.
He cleared his throat.
Me: okay…talk to me.
Yandani: All the internships I've been applying for are not promising. Not one of them is coming through. Plus…my older sister seems to be falling into this dark gloomy hole. I think we…are becoming a financial burden to her, Dabeka.
Me: oh baby…there's more fish in the sea. You are worthy of great things, and they are going to come to you. Fortune is going to embrace you and feel like home beside you. Then…you are going to relieve your sister of some of the financial responsibilities facing her.

I knew very well that wasn't going to help. He is a man, and men always want to be lifesavers and not really want to be saved. I could tell by the look in his eyes…it was killing him. He felt as though he had failed as a man, a son and a brother.
Me: baby…It's going to happen. Believe and keep doing your research. Trust me. Beautiful people with beautiful souls like you are the most fortunate. Your hard work will pay off.

That still wasn't making a difference.
Yandani: I hope so. She is 30 and should be married now but she still has to take care of our family. No man can ever tolerate that. She deserves to be merry. We are hindering her growth.
Me: She will find someone who will pour his love to her like we do to each other. Yandani…our backgrounds and financial states do not define our character. If they did…I would be long gone. I would've left you a long time ago.
Yandani: Thank you for believing in me, my angel.
Me: Don't even mention it.

I looked at my watch and it was definitely time for me to leave.
Me: babe…I have patients to attend to.
Yandani: Sure…Go do your job, sweetheart.
Me: Okay…see you later.
Yandani: bye, lover. Go be amazing.
Me: I love you.
I said as I walked away.
There wasn't much for me to do, just checkups and prescriptions. Okay…that may seem like so little but it's so much work if it's long hours.

Later, my shift was over and Gontse came to get me from my examination room so we could go out.
Me: We may leave now. Gosh! I'm so exhausted.
Gontse: yeah right…let's get going.
We hopped into our different cars and drove to the Pavillion mall.

It was a breath of fresh air.
Gontse: I don't understand why we still have to do so much shopping when we're clearly always working. We spend most of our time in scrubs and coats.
She nodded.
Me: tell me about it! But I guess we still need to look fabulous when we're not working.
Gontse: Right? I can't believe we are finally doctors! Our hard work finally paid off.
Me: medical school almost killed us. Look at us now. Just got paid for the first time as doctors.
We both laughed.

We did our shopping, and it was awesome. We later decided to have late lunch at our favourite restaurant. I ordered prawns, calamari, and cocktails.
Gontse: Guess who is getting laid tonight after a 'decade'!?
Me: Hmmm… Is it me?
Gontse: No…girl, aren't you funny? You forgot you're virgin Mary?
We both laughed.

Of course, she had to remind me that I had never been laid in my life!
Gontse: Themba is relocating to Durban and now we're going to be together more often.
Me: Wow…that's great news! What? Did he find a job in Durban?
Gontse: of course. Except that dentist of mine is forever busy.
Me: Then you are going to be busy together. Don't act like a housewife or anyone else who is less busy in life.
Gontse: right? He is coming tonight, and I need to get home before he does. I need to wax the cat for daddy!
We both laughed.

The cocktails were so refreshing, but I wouldn't say the same about our prawns. We ordered the next round of cocktails.
Me: Girl…I think I'm ready now.
Gontse: what do you mean you're ready?
Me: Uhm…
Gontse: Oh no! Are you sure?
Me: Yeah…I mean…I'm 26, I have a stable job. My man loves me, and I don't even have to question it…ever. I also love him.
Gontse: true, Yandani is in love with you. He would die for Dabeka, his lover.
Me: I know…and he has never pressured me or made me feel a certain way for not being ready to give it to him.
Gontse: I agree. What I'm going to tell you is be ready. Be sure of it. I'm happy if you're happy.
Me: Of course!
We made a toast.

I wasn't sure if I was being frank or curious. I just wanted to fuck around and find out. Try to understand what it is about sex that makes everyone feel more alive.
After the late lunch, we went our separate ways. I bought kicks for Liyakha and couldn't wait to hand them to him. He had been stressing me about them for months.