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13
13THE FOLLOWING WEEK
After contemplating a couple of times whether to confront his lover or not, Sandile decided to let things lie low. He was not ready for the answers but most of all wanted to keep their relationship in the honeymoon phase. He decided that the fantasy-perfect relationship he wanted was not going to exist if he followed his human instinct and fulfilled his curiosity. Watching Thando dress up for class this morning was a dight and all the pleasure he needed to get fuelled for the day. After spending the whole weekend cuddling and doing some not-so-PG 13 things, letting him prepare for class this morning was kind of torture and hard for him.
Thando: your new behavior is scary.
Sandile: what behavior?
Thando: you’ve been holding back things and I can see it…
Sandile: what things?
Thando: maybe you’ll understand when I spell it out to you… you have been keeping some things from me, for example, your face says a lot… like there’s something bothering you, but verbally you’re unavailable.
Sandile: nothing is going on, I’m just a little burnt out… it’s moving week remember. The apartment stuff and my family have been stressing me out… nothing much.
Thando: we could’ve talked about that… you have me, don’t you?
Sandile: I do
Thando: then make a mental note for next time. That’s what I’m here for…
Sandile: mental note taken… by the way do you really have to look that good? I mean campus is like what… 5 minutes from here and you’re all dressed up. Please, I’m jealous…
Thando: of course, I can’t be seen looking all crusty on these streets. And I’ve always loved dressing up and smelling good, it puts me in a good mood. Your jealousy will have to lower because they’ll be occasions when I’ll look way better than this. This is nothing…
Sandile: can’t we stay in?
Thando: no, some of us have classes to attend because we’re not graduating soon. Sorry boo…
Sandile: you’re missing out on a lot.
Thando: stop being a big baby, don’t you have anything to do today?
Sandile: not really now that you’re convinced you’re going to class… I was going to do you but--- my loss, right?
Thando: very your loss… I’m running late, I have to run… see you later.
THAT AFTERNOON
THE CAMPUS GROUNDS
Chuma sat across Thando complaining about how he’s been scarce the past few days, going as far as asking him where and whom with he spent his Valentine’s Day since he canceled on their plans to be salty on that day.
Chuma: I just don’t understand you as a human being, who’s so important in your life that you decided to ditch me and our plan?
Thando: I don’t have to explain myself to you… just know that it was way more pleasant where I was than what we’d originally planned to do.
Chuma: who’s the person making you the traitor is what I’m asking you… that’s all.
Thando: can’t tell, it’s a secret…
Chuma: is it by any chance someone married?
Thando: not that I know of, and I hope not…
Chuma: damn! We’re out here being single while some kids are out here enjoying themselves in relationships. It is at times like this I ask myself what I have ever done.
Thando: can I say? The time had come.
Chuma: so, is she pretty? a senior maybe? Or way older? What does she do? can I at least see a picture?
Thando: hmm…
Chuma: com’on, it’s not like I am going to snatch them from you…do tell man. Maybe she can introduce me to a friend of hers and then we can double-date later… see the vision?
Thando: can we just not talk about it?
Chuma: why not?
Thando: because I don’t want you to be surprised and end up feeling some type of way because of what I am going to say to you right now…
Chuma: you sound serious, what is up man?
Thando: I’ve had an experience where I was ditched and ostracized for living my truth and as much as I don’t want to relieve that moment., I still believe you deserve to know the truth because I cannot hide this from you any longer.
Chuma: ok? And…
Thando: I say this out of utmost respect, and I am sorry that I’ve kept this part of me away from you…
Chuma: where is this going?
Thando: the person I’ve been seeing is not a SHE… it’s a HE and when you said that----
Chuma: wait, what? so you’re--- so you’re telling me that you’re---
Thando: yes! I am gay Chuma and I’m sorry for---
Chuma: what the hell? DUDE!! It’s your life or whatever, you didn’t have to tell me plus I’m just not used to that kind of lifestyle. I have never had someone confess that to me. I feel like I am rambling a lot of unnecessary bull crap right now because I don’t know what to say. I guess congratulations and all, but I don’t think I can continue being friends with you. I think I need some time to process this… this just doesn’t feel---right and I think---
Thando: well, take all the time in the world. I mean I just dropped a bomb on you, I don’t to make you feel anything other than comfortable. You do you dawg--- I won’t criticize or hate you for whatever decision you make. I’ll leave now, thank you for your time.
Chuma: I am not homophobic; I hope you know that.
Thando: don’t worry about it man, it’s all good.
Little by little, Thando disappeared from Chuma’s sight feeling a little worse about himself. It was a prick feeling he once had before, a feeling of being made to feel less than nothing. In this state, he did not want to talk to anyone or do any socializing because he knew his bad energy could easily transfer. As if things were not bad enough, the man he had been avoiding for the past week appeared before him. He looked brighter and more cheerful and his talking to Thando who was the opposite of those emotions made Thando feel even worse about the news he had for him.
Banzi: it is so hard getting a second with you these days… I know you’re probably still shaken about what happened on our last encounter… but, please man--- at least answer your texts.
Thando: not here, let’s go talk somewhere else…
Banzi: okay…
He too sensed the seriousness but unenthusiastic answer from Thando but did not want to question it. Anyone could be having a bad day any time of the day... so, why question why he’s feeling down when he, himself is super nervous and almost sweaty-worried about what the answer to his proposal would be.
Entering the only place, they could talk in peace. Thando walked up front, ordered something then went back to sit down where Banzi was. The moment he had been delaying and come and it was time to make a decision.
Thando: okay so, you have to promise me something first..
Banzi: okay… but why do I feel like I won’t like where this is going.
Thando: maybe not.. but just promise me you won’t be angry with me or anything. I am already having a bad day, having you angry with me will just kill the little drive I have in me.
Banzi: …and I know I will not like this, but continue… what is your reason?
Thando: Uhm—it is not a you thing, but more of a me thing. So, after hiding from you and avoiding you I had some time to think about your proposal and what I want us to be in the future. You have been very good to me and coming to this decision was not easy. But I am very sorry… very sorry to say this--- I, unfortunately, cannot be able to reciprocate all the affection you’ve given me through the course of time we’ve known each other. I am very sorry Banzi if I wasted your time and gave you mixed signals about anything. I am in a space and time in my life where I can only be good to myself, I don’t see myself being able to love anyone and I definitely don’t want to drag anyone into a relationship where I won’t be putting in anything. I don’t want to burden you.
Banzi: so, you’re rejecting me because you feel you’ll burden me?
Thando: mostly…
Banzi: tell me again, who said I feel burdened by you… the only burdening thing I feel is my feelings for you, okay? I have never thought of you as a burden but rather as an escape ad my place of peace. I have had many things happen in my life and for the first tie mina while, when I met you I gained some self-confidence and kind of found the reason to live again. you cannot take away that ray of light from me, please…
Thando: I am very sorry Banzi, but I cannot do this… please don’t make me beg. Don’t do this to me. I am not as strong as I may seem. I think it will be safe for everyone if we end this right here, and now. Go find someone who actually deserves your love and attention, someone who will love you as much as you love them, if not more. please… do this for me and yourself…
Banzi: not promising I will go out there and find that love, but I am grateful for your honesty. Thank you for not stringing me along and putting me on a pedestal. I appreciate your words, though it may hurt. I will wait for you. I will wait until you’re ready to love again… there’s no amount of time that can make me change the way I feel about you.
Nearing the end of the talk, they decided to keep in contact and keep up with each other casually. Thando felt bad for letting Banzi down, but he could not betray his heart. It was better that he told him he was not ready to be with anyone at the moment than actually telling him that he has someone else that made him realize he was never into him in the first place. Having him in the dark was not intended, but something he had to do because he was trying to protect him.
it was not about him not wanting to be a burden but him not wanting to be loved by none other than Sandile.
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