5

5

 

 AT MIDNIGHT

After a long tiring and busy day, fatigued Sandile finally made it back to the dorm. It was very late, and he did not expect the lights to be on at this time, but they were. On other days when Thando was scarce around the house, he had day-evening shifts, and this was his first time working late. For a man with his stamina and way of living, he was not very drowsy but very tired. He may have been beat from standing all evening and tending to demanding and drunk customers who really did not understand the word ‘privacy’, but he would never trade the experience and adrenaline rush he gets from working at La Macarena for anything. In this state, this moment, a shower would do him more than good.

 

At first glance inside the room, he found a sleeping Thando crouched like a baby koala clinging onto a tree for dear life. He seemed peaceful but a little irritated by the light. Sandile was smitten for a second while staring at Thando. After a few minutes of watching him sleep, he collected his toiletries and left for the shower room switching off the lights and making sure the room was cool and mid-temperature for Thando to get a perfect sleep. His actions were propelled by a feeling deep within his being, a feeling from a place deep in his heart, a feeling he wanted to deny by all means, a feeling he once was ostracized for, a feeling he was told and taught was unjust and not normal. A feeling he was made to feel embarrassed about that he decided to close that chapter of his life without thinking twice after being told to man up!!

 

THE NEXT MORNING

For a man whose body is used to partying and drinking till the wee hours of the morning, this morning he slept in. He was not up, rummaging through his stuff with a headache, he was sleeping soundlessly like a baby. On the other hand, Thando was already up. After that meal last night, he went straight to bed and his night’s sleep was pretty decent too hence he woke up rejuvenated this morning. He had no classes today or any emergencies but waking up was like routine for him, so when his body decided to snap out of sleep, he did not hesitate but wake up. In his subconscious sleep, he heard Sandile come in this morning, but his eyes were too heavy for him to even move an inch. Looking at him sleep this morning made him wonder how he coped getting into bed drunk- or maybe he did not drink as much last night.

 

Unlike Sandile, Thando was a morning person and preferred getting up early and starting his day even though he had nothing going on. As usual, he was just going to hang out with Chuma and explore the surroundings of this new neighborhood. Valentine’s Day was around the corner, and he had no plans for that day nor did Chuma, so what better way is there than to spend the day with your single friend and envy happy people and their healthy-looking relationships? After a hassle-free morning routine Thando decided to call Chuma.

 

[on call]

 

Chuma: this is strange you know?

Thando: I know but I don’t think those are the first words you can say to your friend whom you did not check up on last night after parting ways knowing he was sick.

Chuma: your point being?

Thando: bros are supposed to check on Bros.

Chuma: not this bro, I’m still a little angry at you.

Thando: about?

Chuma: the whole hiding Sandile from me thing

Thando: you talk like I owed telling you this. I did not think it was a big deal, so I did not tell you. I’m sorry.

Chuma: make it up to me then.

Thando: okay?

Chuma: so, yesterday after your little tantrum, I spoke with Sandile before he took off for a while. He gave me permission—I mean he formally invited me to your guys’ dorm for a hang-out. So, I was thinking since today we don’t have anything going on I would come over…

Thando: you’re really sucking up to him, aren’t you?

Chuma: yes, and I want to make it very obvious…

 

[off the phone]

Sandile: who’s sucking up to whom?

Thando: did we—I mean did I wake you? I’m sorry--- was I being loud?

Sandile: no, I was already up…

 

[back on the phone]

Chuma: so?

Thando: you can come over. I was going to suggest we go out before you bombarded me with guilt.

Chuma: this is why one must have friends. Who would I project my guilt on if not you?

Thando: I’ll be waiting then… better behave yourself or this will be the first and last time you’ll ever come around when Sandile is here…

Chuma: got it

 

[call ends]

 

Sandile: we’re having a visitor?

Thando: not necessarily, it’s just Chuma. He’ll be going out with me. I promise we won’t bother you.

Sandile: actually, I’d love to be bothered. My day is dry today until late afternoon, so I’d love to hang out with you guys. And plus, I promised that Chuma friend of yours a hangout—he seemed desperate.

Thando: well then… it’s a hangout!!

Sandile: yeah…

 

A comfortable moment of silence passed. Both in their worlds with their thoughts. Sandile was deeply immersed in the fact that he was guilty of gazing at someone as if he was stargazing just a few hours ago and what made him even guiltier this morning was that Thando was in his dream, for the first time!! Waking up to his melodious voice on the phone resulted in a stroke of guilt hitting him and making him reminisce on last night’s memory. These strange and forbidden feelings were spiraling out of control. After showering before going to bed, he had these thoughts too, he felt transparent and naked seeing Thando after dreaming of him in ways he could not articulate. He tried so hard to keep things platonic between him and Thando, but the heart was hard to suppress.

 

 After all these years of managing his rage monster-like forbidden feelings, why did they have to resurface now?

 

THAT AFTERNOON

After a day of what felt almost date-like for Sandile even though they had Chuma with them, he parted ways with Chuma and Thando. He had other plans, and they did not involve lusting and crushing over some boy he met like a month ago. He had made plans with his girlfriend to meet and spend the rest of the afternoon together. Valentine’s Day was in 2 days, and he wanted to ask his girlfriend to be his valentine for the day although his heart was somewhere else. This was the part where love hurt, the part where he once again had to conform to the normal and live like a ‘real’ man despite his feelings. The part where humanity showed signs of hypocrisy, the part where he wished his life was not his, the part he trod the most, and the part he wished he had enough courage to face heads on and erase from his life.

 

He and Mina, the girlfriend, were to meet at a café near the school. Sandile was first to arrive, and he waited no longer than 10 minutes until Mina showed up in a rush and sweating a little. She strode toward him with a smile and sat down franticly taking Sandile’s drink into her hold and gulping it down in one. After his smitten moments and feeling a little different about someone else Mina did not seem that attractive anymore to Sandile. He was seeing her from a whole different light than before, and this was bad. He watched her out of disbelief as she gulped his glass of wine down in one go. Had it been before meeting Thando he would have found this act rather adorable than self-demeaning. He was a little annoyed and grew a little sensitive at this act but tried to keep his cool. He kept reminding himself in his head why he was with Mina and why he was doing this, why he was living his life the way he is.

 

Mina: sorry about that baby, I ran here. I had a last-minute call with the dean of students of our faculty.

Sandile: no need to apologize. I did not wait that long.

Mina: have you already ordered; I’m craving something sweet…

Sandile: we’re at a café, all they serve is sweet stuff.

Mina: okay, why the anger though? Are you annoyed?

 

This is the question Sandile hated the most, are you annoyed? And Mina always made it a habit to ask. At the beginning she was tolerable but now she just seemed more and more obnoxious, she was getting under his skin with each word she said and Sandile started to regret going on the blind date where he met Mina. It was 2 years ago, after getting out of another nasty relationship and having harmless too many no-strings-attached that his friend, Cleo introduced him to Mina and arranged a blind date for them. She was attractive and seemed smart too, the perfect girl to take home and this happened in the span of time in his life when his father pestered him about finding an actual partner and growing out of his ‘phase’.

 

So, all in all dating Mina was never in his plans nor was it something he wanted to do, he did it because she was perfect enough and was deemed just right by his mates.

 

THE KING’S ROW CAFÉ

AFTER A LONG BORING HOUR FROM SANDILE’S POINT OF VIEW

Mina: you’re so sweet, I can’t believe you still do this after a whole 2 years together. Yes, yes, I will be your Valentine.

Sandile: glad, I was afraid you’d say no…

Mina: and why’s that?

Sandile: I don’t know, things change, people change. You know.

Mina: oh, this just got serious… are you okay?

Sandile: nothing, just wondering if you’re really happy with me. If I really make you content…

Mina: where does that come from? Of course, I am, I have always been…never doubt that. I love you Sandile.

Sandile: bet…

 

Bet? Was the only answer he could give considering the situation. Sandile did not expect being love bombed on the spot. He was a logical person and a critical thinker by nature. He could not bring himself to say ‘I love you’ back to a person he knew he really did not love nor have the slightest affection for. He could not say it back because he felt he would be betraying himself and feeding the girl more lies and false hope. He believed what he was hiding from her was already deep enough and lying further would just make him more of a bad person, which he already was but, in his defense, at least he wanted to be short of sins in case there was a chance he might be reincarnated as a Grim Reaper.

 

Love?



He knew the feeling but could not project it toward the person he wanted to project it towards.



So, in this situation he was not to blame, he simply could not say it back because he did not feel the same which made him wonder- how did he put up with this for 2 years?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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