Chapter 15

Chipping birds woke me up, I looked on my side, I was alone. A hollow ache filled my chest.

I stretched my arm out, my fingers brushing against the cold sheets.

The memory of the previous night hit me all at once, a bitter wave that washed away the lingering fragments of sleep.

I thought about how the penetration went. How my vagina still felt a bit weird and I also felt bad of what I had done. Everything was great till the penetration and I just want to not be a virgin, or half virgin. No one told me it could hurt like that.
I sat up slowly, pulling the crisp black-and-white duvet up to my chin. I had class today. It was a bit later in the day, thank God, and I had to prepare for it, I like being ready. When I finally swung my legs over the edge of the bed and pressed my bare feet down onto the soft mat, the coldness of the floor seemed to seep right into my bones.

I forced myself to look around. It was a very pretty room, meticulously clean and styled in sharp contrasts of white and black. In the corner sat a gaming station. My eyes stayed on the neat stacks of games—*FIFA*. A heavy lump formed in my throat. He loves soccer. Didn't know that.

Unable to bear the suffocating quiet of the guest room any longer, I wrapped his oversized shirt tighter around my body and walked out. My feet padded softly across the floorboards toward his room.

Right as I reached the hallway, the front door clicked open. Zuko walked in, carrying a plastic packet.

"Hey, baby," he said, his voice low and raspy from the morning air. He closed the distance between us, leaning down to press a soft kiss against my cheek.

He was wearing a dark hoodie. He looked so hot.

"How did you sleep?" he asked, already walking toward the small kitchen counter and pulling a bundle of fresh, warm vetkoeks out of the plastic.

"Are we eating this for breakfast?"
He paused, looking up at me. "I promised I'd make you breakfast, didn't I?"

"Zuko, I'm used to porridge or bread in the morning," I said, a sigh escaping my lips. "It's okay, I can just make something for us."

I walked past him and pulled open the fridge door then froze. It was empty expect for the one bottle of amasi.

I turned around, staring at him in disbelief. "Zuko, where are your groceries?"
He looked at me confused. "I have amasi, what do you mean?"

"You can't always eat amasi all the time!" I said. "How do you live like this?"

"I mean it's easy to make, they are nice," he admitted, a small, sheepish shrug escaping him. "But mostly... I have dinner at Shakes' house. Shakes' mom can really cook a meal."

I stared at him, this is not normal. There's no way he doesn't keep his fridge stocked but he has an expensive game and… weird.

But before I could press him further, he set two warm vetkoeks on a plate, ohh they had mince meat, love that and grabbed a packet of Drink-O-Pop.

"I'll make the drink," he murmured.

"I actually like drink o pop. I don't buy the normal drink coz it doesn't hit the same as drink o pop." He turns to look at me relieved.
"Right! I was arguing with mama shakes the other day. I'm glad someone understands me."

I chuckled. There's just something about about that after taste. How it tastes, you don't really get that feeling on other drinks.

I leaned against the counter, my anger briefly giving way to sheer amusement as I watched him. He took the pitcher, tore the small packet with his teeth, and began mixing the powder with water, his expressions completely serious as if he were performing chemistry. He caught me staring, my lips twitched upward in a reluctant smile.
"What?" he asked, a flash of a grin breaking through his tough exterior. "I like the grape flavour."
A chuckle escaped my throat. The heavy tension from the night before thinned out, just for a moment. We sat down together at the small table, the warmth of the vetkoek comforting against my palms as we began to eat.

Zuko reached for his phone, and played music, Mayibabo by Kwesta began to play.

As we ate, we started gemming to the music, our eyes locking, shoulders moving. For a few minutes, we were just two normal people sharing a morning.

"So, the FIFA station in the guest room, that's yours?," I asked, wiping a bit of grease from my fingers.
He nodded. "You really love soccer, huh?"

"Yeah. At one time, I wanted to be a soccer player professionally."
I chuckled, picturing a younger Zuko running down a pitch. "A soccer player?"
"Yeah, why not?" he asked, a playful challenge in his voice.
The easy atmosphere made me brave. I laid my vetkoek down, my expression turning serious.
"Zuko... why don't you allow anyone to sleep in your bed with you?"
He blinked. The playful light in his eyes vanished instantly. He looked down at his plate, his jaw working as he chewed slowly. Finally, he looked up. "It's nothing deep, Phile. I snore, I told you that."
I knew him to well to know he was lying.

"There's definitely something deeper than that," I pushed, leaning forward. "All couples usually sleep together after... you know. It's a norm. Why aren't you into that? Zuko, please. Give me the real reason."

He stared at me, his dark eyes searching mine, his jaw tightening."I don't want to lie to you, Omphile."

"But you are," I said, the pain leaking into my voice. "I feel as though you're shutting me out. You're not letting me in at all."

He let out a heavy breath, his eyes darkening. "What else is there, Phile?"
"The fact that you're a gangster." I burst out. "You didn't think to tell me before we started dating? You just let me fall for you without knowing what you actually do and you lied about being a club manager!"

Silence.

Zuko sat back, staring at me then he let out a slow sigh, leaning his forearms on the table.

"Fine," he said, his voice dropping to a gravelly. "I'll open up then. What do you want to know?"

My heart hammered against my ribs. I swallowed hard. "What do you do? Please tell me it's not... that you don't kill people."

"Heists," he said bluntly. "We do heists. We don't kill people."
That's something I see on TV, not be in the same approximate with it. "Why?" I whispered. "Why that?"

"It's my way of life," he said, his voice entirely devoid of remorse, replaced by a cold, hard pragmatism. "It's all I've ever known."
"Does Shakes do it too?"
"Yes. We have a whole crew. Everything is planned."
"You have a whole crew?" I asked, a sick feeling settling in my stomach.
"Yeah."
"Would you ever leave?" I pleaded.

"It's not that easy"

"Maybe you can go to school, uni. Start a new course."

"I've went to university but had to dropout due to funds. And I hear you, I hear your concerns and they are valid."

I felt understood at least. A little hope.

"So, what were you studying?"

"Maths and statistics."
I stared at him, genuinely struck. "So you're smart-smart."
A small, arrogant smirk played at the corner of his lips, that old Zuko confidence flaring up. "You can see me moss. Ndintswempu la way… andiyobhari"
A chuckle escaped me at his tone. "Would you ever go back? Clear your debt, finish it?"
"No," he said firmly, the smirk vanishing. "With that degree. I'd probably be stuck in an office or at some lecturing job that I'd hate. I don't like being confined. I like being around people. I like the streets."
"So... the gangster life," I said, the disappointment heavy in my chest.
Zuko immediately stopped being chatty.
"Because that's not what I had in mind when I thought of my ideal man," I said, tears burning the backs of my eyes. "I want at least a person who is living honestly. Zuko, this might cost you everything. It might cost you your life."

"I've never been caught," he said carelessly. "We are careful."

"I hate this," I whispered, standing up so fast my chair scraped loudly against the floor. "Take me to campus. I have to study for my upcoming class."

"You can study here," he said, standing up with me.

"No, I want to leave." I turned toward the guest room to gather my things, but before I could take two steps, Zuko's hand shot out, catching my wrist.

He pulled me back gently but firmly. Because he was standing now, we were eye-to-eye, his commanding presence completely enveloping me.
"Are you mad at me?" he asked, his voice low, his eyes scanning my face.
"I'm annoyed," I snapped, trying to pull my wrist away. "I'm pissed, Zuko."

"Okay…I'll figure something out." His voice low. "It's not an easy process but…it's worth it if I have you in my life."

Instead of letting go, he moved closer. His other hand reached up, his fingers gently brushing a stray lock of hair away from my face. His touch was so tender it made my anger stutter. I moved and accidentally stepped on his foot.

"Ouch, you stepped on me," he muttered, a hint of amusement in his voice.
"It's your fault my feet landed there!" I accused, my voice cracking. "You moved forward first!"
And then I cried. I let the tears fall, letting the heavy, sobbing breaths take over, completely willing to manipulate him just a little bit. I wanted him to feel the weight of what he was doing to me.

"Hey, hey... I'm sorry," Zuko said softly, his demeanor melting instantly. He pulled me against his chest, wrapping his strong arms around me. "I'm sorry, it's my fault that you stepped on me then."

Inside, a smile touched my heart. He was apologizing even though he hadn't actually done anything wrong in that exact second. I needed to know he could feel bad, too. I couldn't be the only one hurting in this relationship.

"I don't like it when we aren't on good terms," he murmured into my hair, his chest rumbling against my cheek. "We must talk about things, yabo?"

I sniffled, burying my face in his hoodie.
"I love you," he whispered, his hands sliding down to grip my waist, holding me securely. "And I promise you, my eyes are only for you. Phile, I made sure to set the record straight with Amanda. She won't be bothering you ever again."
Hearing those words sent a wave of profound relief through my body. I felt secure. Sure of him.

He is exactly the kind of person I shouldn't be with.* He is dangerous, a criminal, a man who shared a bed with no one. I looked up into his eyes, I realized I just couldn't get myself to be apart from him. I was completely, hopelessly in love with him. With the way he holds me, the way things are so simple with him, like he eats amasi, only that. The way he smiles. His confidence is such a turn on for me. How he manages to talk me through things, like actually talk even though it's not perfect.

I bit my bottom lip, my hands leaving his chest to tangle behind his neck, pulling myself closer. Zuko's grip on my waist tightened, his thumbs digging into my skin through the thin fabric of his shirt. We stared at each other with longing eyes.

He leaned down, gently brushing his nose against mine softly. I smiled, my breath hitching.

"I love you," he whispered against my lips.
"I love you too," I breathed.
I wanted him. I wanted more of him, even the dangerous, broken parts. All his imperfections, the way I love him hurts me because how can I love a person who sometimes makes these things that make me mad? But I guess that is love then. Loving the imperfect parts of a person, accepting them as they are. Here I was, craving his touch like a drug.

I closed the small gap between us and pressed my lips to his. He tasted faintly of the savory mince meat from the vetkoeks, and I knew I tasted exactly the same, but the kiss was deep, hungry.

Without breaking the kiss, Zuko lifted me effortlessly, guiding my hips backward until I was sitting on the edge of the kitchen table. He stepped between my thighs, his chest pressing me down slightly as his lips left mine to trail down my jawline. He found the sensitive spot on my neck and sucked deeply, marking me.

"ahh" A breathless moan escaped my throat. He sucked on my neck again, his lips trailing softly in a tingling manner.
"mmhhh."

My hands moved frantically over his back, feeling the hard muscles beneath his hoodie. At the same time, his hand slid down my leg, his fingers slipping effortlessly beneath the waistband of my panties.
"A…hhh" I gasped, my eyes going wide as the cool air hit my bare skin, replaced instantly by the intense heat of his hand.
I had never explored myself like this. When I was alone, I only ever touched the outside, the sensitive areas that brought a quick, fleeting pleasure. He pushed his finger inside my vagina.

"Mmhhh!" I pulled him closer trying to get a grip. "Ahhh!'
A sharp pain shot.. "Zuko—" I gasped out, my fingers clamping tightly onto his shoulders. It felt tight, a stretching ache that made my breath catch in my throat.

"Shh, I've got you baby. Just relax for me," he whispered.

He began to move his finger in and out. "Mhh." I let the pleasure over take me. My breathing increases as he pushes in and out, in and out. I kissed his neck too, holding him desperately. He groaned. "That feels so good baby." I kissed his neck again, as he pounds in and out. In and out. "Ahhhh!"

"Breath baby." He said and I tried to relax.
"That's a good girl." I blushed. He started moving faster, pounding faster. "ahhh." I moaned.

"Mmhhh" he groaned, I went crazy at the sound of him enjoying it. It was getting intense. It's so good. "Baby!" I squeaked. He pounded faster. "Zuko!!! Ahhh!!mmmhhhh"

I felt something rushing out of me. A hot, uncontrollable gush of fluid escaped, dampening his hand and the table beneath me.
My heart dropped straight into my stomach. *Oh my God. I just peed on him.*

"I'm sorry! Zuko, I'm so sorry!" My face burning with embarrassment. I tried to pull away, to hide my face in my hands. "Hey, hey, look at me," Zuko said, his voice entirely calm. He caught my wrists, forcing me to look at him. There was no disgust in his eyes. He kept his eyes locked onto mine, he brought his hand up and licked the fluid from his finger.

"You taste so good," he murmured, his voice sending a violent shiver down my spine.

Before I could even process the sheer audacity of what he had just done, he took my hand and guided it down between his legs, pressing my palm against the front of his sweatpants.
I gasped, his dick was rock hard, pulsing against my palm. It felt incredibly firm.

"You can play with it," he whispered, his breath hot against my ear.
I don't know what to do with it. I had no clue at all. This is so embarrassing. I moved my hand up and down the length of it once, my eyes wide. "It's... it's big."
Zuko let out a low chuckle. He reached up, pecking my lips gently, his expression incredibly tender.
"You're so cute," he murmured, rubbing his thumb against my cheek. I smiled, feeling great. He got a towel and wiped me up.

–
I went to pee in the bathroom, staring at the blue tiles and splashing more cold water on my face to cool down the lingering heat in my cheeks. When I walked back out, the kitchen table had been wiped clean, and Zuko was waiting for me.
Without a word, he walked over to the wardrobe in his room and brought out a sleek, heavy laptop, setting it down on the small table.
"Here," he said, opening the lid for me. "You said you need to study. Use this."
"Thank you," I murmured, sitting down and pulling the screen closer.

As the laptop booted up and I logged into my student portal, I looked at the digital textbooks on the screen. *I am going to be the first graduate at home.* The thought sent a shiver of pride through me. I closed my eyes for a second, picturing the day I'd finally wear that graduation gown, walking across the stage while my family screamed from the crowd.
My mind drifted to my mother. She had never gotten the chance to graduate, let alone see the inside of a university lecture hall. The moment she finished high school, the harsh realities of life took over, and she had to sacrifice her own dreams to take care of her siblings. She gave up her youth so they could survive. I wasn't just doing this for myself; I was doing this for her. I wanted to build a nice, stable life after this degree, a life where we didn't have to stress about the next month, a life that proved my mother's sacrifices weren't in vain.

Zuko's voice broke through my thoughts. He was standing by the door, pulling his car keys from his pocket.
"I'm going to the shop quickly," he said, looking down at me. "Do you want something?"
I sighed softly, my mind still half-stuck in my accounting notes. "I don't know, anything is okay, I don't really know what I want."

A smirk touched his lips. "I'll be your brain and think for you baby, don't worry." He gave me a quick nod. "I'll be back."

The door clicked shut, and the house grew quiet again. I pulled my focus back to the screen, typing out notes, drowning out the lingering anxiety of my chaotic emotions in the rules of my coursework.

"You look so gorgeous when you're focused," It was Zuko.
A deep blush rushed to my face, and I looked down at the keyboard, trying to hide my smile. "Stop it."

He had a plastic packet drawing my eyes away from the screen. He reached inside and pulled out a packet of go-slows.
My eyes lit up instantly. *Go-slows.* I absolutely loved them, but since I'd been on campus, I rarely ever got to eat them. "Do you want some?" he asked, holding the packet out.
I nodded quickly, reaching out to take one. As the sweet taste hit my tongue, I glanced at the bottom corner of the laptop screen, checking the time. "I'll need to leave soon," I said, my voice tinged with regret. "Classes will be starting not too long from now."

"Sharp. Let's get ready," he said.
We gathered my things, he borrowed me his jeans and t shirt which were a bit too big and his hoodie. I low-key looked like a boy. We laughed about that. We walked out of his house together, our shoulders brushing as we navigated the corridor.

As we stepped out into the bright morning sun toward the parking lot, an older neighbor who was washing his car looked up, spotting Zuko.
"Molo, Zuko," the man called out, nodding respectfully.
"Molo, tata," Zuko replied, his voice shifting back into that respectful, grounded tone he used with the community.

We walked over to his gold Citi Golf. He unlocked the passenger side for me, and I climbed in, the familiar interior wrapping around me as he started the engine. The car roared to life, and soon we were navigating the busy streets, heading toward campus.
The drive was quieter this time, the reality of the day catching up to us. Zuko drove with one hand on the wheel, his expression relaxed, occasionally checking his mirrors with the practiced alertness of a man who always had to watch his back.
When the campus gates finally came into view, he pulled the Citi Golf up to the drop-off zone, the engine idling loudly.
"Have a great class time neh baby," he said, turning his head to look at me, his eyes dark and intense. "I'll check you later."
"Okay," I whispered, leaning over to give him a quick kiss on the cheek before grabbing my bag and stepping out into the bustling crowd of students.
But as I walked through the campus gates, blending into the sea of people rushing toward their venues, my mind completely abandoned my upcoming lecture. The academic thoughts I had cultivated at his kitchen table vanished, replaced entirely by a burning, suffocating wave of embarrassment.
*God, I totally embarrassed myself,* I thought, my cheeks heating up all over again under the morning sun.
My mind replayed the moment on the kitchen table, how I had frozen, how completely clueless I had been when he placed my hand on him. *I didn't even know what to do with his dick.*

I bit my lip, staring blankly at the pavement as I walked. What was I even supposed to do?
Should I be embarrassed?